9:27 a.m. Sunday, June 14, 2015
So I waited in the waiting room of the so called “therapist” office, sitting on the disgusting cracked leather couch. The only magazines there were architecture magazines which had the ugliest architecture I had seen. The architects are physically unable to design. I could make more than $100,000,000 being an arcitect and I would be so exquisite that I would get so many jobs and I would have to turn down at least 10 jobs a week. The only other magazine there was some kind of Texas vogue magazine, but the clothes were awful! There was a cheap polyester plaid crop top that said “howdy.” I was so stunned. It was just like that time when I saw 3 fourth graders at the mall and the ugly curly haired short girl said to the other two girls, “The first person to touch my hand is my best friend!” — and they started chasing her!
Anyway, Dr. J.A. Mackelroy called me in. When he first walked into the room, I knew this was a big mistake. He was overweight and sort of bald, wearing a cowboy hat. Everything he was wearing was denim. He was wearing one of those out of fashion cowboy ties. It was classic cowboy. I would rather watch Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill with Arianna Grande, than go to this therapy session. When we walked into the room it reeked of insense–I really don’t see how this could be soothing for a patient. I actually almost stepped out of the room. I would have done anything for death to come and take me away. There wasn’t a single thing in that hellhole he called a room that didn’t symbolize Texas. He definitely does not work the Texas style. I know if I were in his repugnant shoes I would work it like there was no tomorrow, I would be like Alexa Chung– but I’m obviously more stylish than her.
He said, “Please, sit.”
I took one look at the chair that was cowskin dyed magenta. Ew. I sighed and said in a very tight voice, “Yeah, I would prefer to stand.”
He looked very annoyed and replied in a voice like he was trying to sound nice but not succeeding, “Please sit in the darn chair, I would not like to repeat myself.”
So I did, probably looking uncomfortable.
Then he said, “So, yous’ got hypochondria.”
And I didn’t say anything, but I really wanted to ask him how he didn’t drown in his own filth. So you probably have figured out by now that I am grossed out by most fast foods. Well, I think I am going to sue Dr. J.A. Mackelroy for what he has just done. He took out an In-N-Out burger from… I don’t even know where! Then he took out animal style fries and started eating them with his hands. I started to gag, and not that small little gag that you have in your head, but that huge one that is very noticeable. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice my gags. Then he asked how high do I think my self esteem is, and that drew the line, so I got up, brushed off the part of my body that touched the chair, put on hand sanitizer, and left, scarred for life