Auggie the Awkward Spy

I am a twenty-one-year-old guy named Auggie. And I am a spy on a mission. Something you need to know about me is that I am very clumsy.

I climb into a vent filled with rats that keep chasing me. I am horrified, so I start running and screaming. I am not paying close attention to a hole ahead of me, so I fall into it. There is a dance party going on there, and the funny thing about that is that I fall on the dance floor. I get really humiliated, so I do a dance. I even tell them that I meant to fall down. I hear some people laughing, so I start laughing along even though I am really hurt. I am so embarrassed, so I dance to the door.

I walk down the hall and take the elevator to the first floor.

The guy at the front desk asks me, “What do you need, sir?”

He has curly, light brown hair. He is wearing a tuxedo. He has hazel, brown eyes and an earring on one side of his ear.

“I would like a key for a room at this wonderful hotel,” I respond.

“Oh, I have one question before you leave, why are you wearing all black and a mask on your face?” he says curiously.

“I am just getting ready for Halloween.”

“But it is only May.”

“I’ll just be heading upstairs if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all, don’t worry.”

I take the elevator to my room, and I feel shocked because the room is big, and it even has an indoor pool. When I walk into the bathroom, I almost scream because it is the size of a bedroom, and the bedroom is the size of two pools combined. My kitchen isn’t that big, and the living room is a good size, and the dining room is pretty big. Even though this is not vacation, this feels like paradise to me. I have never been in a hotel before because I can’t afford one. That’s why the organization, S.A.S.O. (Super Awesome Spy Organization), let me be in the spy group. I used to live in a beautiful house with my mother and my father until my dad left us two years ago, and I couldn’t pay taxes, so I had to find a job. If I joined cooking, I would have burned the whole restaurant because I’m not good with fire. Fire and I don’t get along because when I was younger, I was sitting by the fireplace, and my feet were really cold, so I put my feet by it, and my baby toe caught on fire. Since that day, I have been scared of fire. Water and I get along well because when I was two months old, my mom and my dad took me to the pool to learn how to swim. When I was floating on the water perfectly, the swimming coach told me I was the best in the class. At least that’s what my parents told me.

I’m at this hotel, so I can take a test to prove that I’m good enough to join the S.A.S.O. The owner of the S.A.S.O., Dylan, sent me here on a mission. I do not really know what I’ll be doing on the mission.

I hear a knock at my door. I ask, “Who is it?”

Somebody responds, “It’s the mailman for the hotel.”

“Come on in.”

The mailman opens the door. He has hair on the sides, and the middle of his head is bald. He puts his glasses on and says with an English accent, “This letter is from Dylan.”

“Thank you very much,” I say in an English accent back to the mailman. The mailman looks at me for a while, and I just say, “Have a good day, sir!”

After the mailman leaves, I start to laugh. I think I’m so funny. Most people say I’m awkward, but I think I’m funny.

I open the mail and say, “Huh, I guess this is important mail from Dylan. Very important. And very serious, because Dylan is a serious man. I can’t wait to open and see this serious stuff.” When I open the envelope I see pictures. All I see is white on the picture. I say, “Hmm, that’s strange.” Then I realize that I have to flip the photo over. When I flip it over, I actually see the picture, and I start cracking up. “Is this seriously a picture of Dylan as a kid wearing underwear on his head?” I call Dylan on my phone and tell him, “Seriously, Dylan? This is important?”

He says, “Yes, it’s very important!”

“How is this important?”

“It’s important because whoever this suspect is might post this picture on the Internet. It’s going to be really embarrassing, and it will stop us from being spies. They’re even going to find out we’re spies!”

Then Dylan starts screaming at me on the phone, and all I can hear is, “Hey you something, something, something, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so embarrassing!”

“Chill, Dylan! Come on! You don’t have to yell at me.”

“No, I’m not yelling at you. I’m yelling at my nextdoor neighbor. He’s being so loud! He always puts on music in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. It’s so annoying. I’m so rich that I can probably call the cops and pay them to kick him out!”

Rrrriiiinnnngggg!!” I hear a voice say somewhere in the room.

“Dylan, I’ll call you back later,” I say.

“Guess who’s here,” a familiar voice says.

“Seriously, Ignacio?” I say.

“I am definitely not Ignacio,” he says.

“Oh no, do I see Aunty Agatha?” I say, to scare Ignacio.

“Where?” he says, in a scared voice.

Aunt Agatha is our scary aunt.

Ignacio jumps out from behind the couch and lands in my arms. Ignacio is my annoying twin brother.

“So, I heard you say something about spies,” Ignacio says.

“What are you talking about? I didn’t say anything about spies,” I say.

“When you’re nervous your cheeks turn red, and your ears start to move up a bit. That’s how I know you’re lying to me.”

I start to hold my ears down and put my hands over my cheeks and say, “Nothing’s going on, what are you talking about? I’m not a spy, and I’m definitely not nervous.”

“Sure. Now I’m going to keep my eye on you while I stay here with you for a few weeks.”

“Who said you’re staying with me?”

“I have to. Mom kicked me out of the house!”

“But why did Mom kick you out of the house?”

“Well, let’s just say while Mom was cleaning everything up, I was eating popcorn, and there was popcorn all over the couch. So Mom got mad and told me to clean it up. I said, ‘I’m going to do it later,’ but I never did it later. Instead, I was busy playing my video game. And Mom was all like, ‘Fine, if you don’t want to clean, then I’m going to kick you out of my house!’ So then I was all like ‘Mom, you need to chill out, seriously.’ Then Mom was all like ‘I am going to show you you what “seriously” means with my fist in your face, unless you want to leave my house.’ Then I was all like ‘This is technically Auggie’s house because he pays for the rent,’ then Mom pointed her finger at the door, so I just walked out. Ok, that is the end of my story,” Ignacio says.

“Wow, wow. That is all I have to say.”

“And when I try to sneak into the house, Mom always calls Oreo to bite my skin off, and man is Oreo scary. He has red eyes now. You don’t know because you haven’t seen Oreo for eight years.”

“I don’t think this is the right time Ignacio, but Oreo loves me and hates you.”

“Why does Oreo hate me?”

“Oh yeah, you definitely never used to pull on his whiskers, pull on his tail, and put him in the toilet, and you used never, ever, ever, eve — ”

“Okay, okay I get it.”

Knock! Knock!

“Go away Fred! You know today I don’t have cookies for you!” I shout at the door.

“Excuse me, Auggie. Who do you think you’re yelling at. I’m your mother,” my mother says in an angry voice.

My mom pulls on the doorknob slowly and then slams the door open, breaking one of my paintings. She wobbles in slowly with her cane. I pinched Ignacio on his back for a warning that Mom was here. He ran quickly but quietly to hide into the bathroom. My mom didn’t see him, because at that time she took off her glasses and couldn’t see a thing.

“So Mom, why are you here?” I ask.

“I’m here to ask you if you know where Ignacio is,” my mom asks me.

“No, I talked to him on the phone earlier, but he didn’t tell me where he was,” I reply.

“Oh, okay, tell me if you find him because when I find him, he’s gonna get it,” my mom says.

“Okay Mom, goodbye,” I say.

I hear something fall in the bathroom.

My mom asks, “What is that noise?”

I say, “Oh, it’s just me stomping my feet.” And then I start stomping my feet.

She says, “I smell something fishy in this room.”

“Oh, it’s probably because I made fish earlier for me and Ig — Iguana! My cat.”

“I never knew you had a cat.”

“I just got him yesterday, and you cannot see him right now because he is asleep.”

“Oh, really,” she says.

“Yes, really,” I reply.

Then my mom starts walking towards the door until she turns around and says, “Auggie, may I please stay over with you for a little.”

“No, you cannot. Sorry, Mom,” I reply.

“Why can’t I?” she questions.

“Because Ignaci — I mean, Iguana is having a lot of diarrhea, and it will not go away until she dies,” I say to my mother.

“Okay, but before I leave, can I use the bathroom?” my mom asks.

“I am sorry, but you cannot,” I say to my mother.

“You have been a piece of junk lately,” my mother says to me.

“Jeez, Sara, stop being so rude,” I say.

“Excuse me, who do you think you’re calling Sara? You call me Mother, you hear me,” my mom says.

“Yes, Mom,” I reply.

“Okay, good” my mother says.

“Bye, Mother,” I say, waving at her.

“Excuse me, I leave any time I want!” my mom shouts.

“But this my house,” I say.

“I brought you into this world. I can take you right out,” my mother says angrily.

“How mamasita, how?” I ask.

Then, I see my mother walk into the kitchen and walk out with a knife in her hand.

“Who were you calling mamasita? I think I forgot,” she says.

“Okay Mom, I have an idea. If you leave my house, I will buy you an iPhone X,” I say, taking a few steps back with my hands up.

“Okay, fine,” my mom says, while she walks out the door and shuts it closed.

Just to be sure my mom left, I open the door. I see my mom getting into the elevator, and I look out the window to see if she left.

“Ignacio, you can come out now. Mom left,” I call out to Ignacio.

Ignacio quickly hops out of the bathtub and looks left and right to see if his mother is still there.

“Phew, that witch is gone,” says Ignacio.

“I know, right,” I reply.

“But we all know that you are and always will be Mom’s favorite,” Ignacio says, as a tear rolls down his cheek.

“Well you know that Dad likes you the best and always has,” I say, to make Ignacio feel better.

Ignacio reaches over to hug me. We hug, but then suddenly the door swings open and there Dad walks in.

“Dad, is that you?” Ignacio and I say at the same.

I am so surprised. I haven’t seen Dad ever since he divorced and left when I was eight.

“Yes, it is,” our dad says as he gives us a hug.

I am so happy, I could jump on the ceiling, break it through, and bite his head off. I am excited to see my father again. I was trying to keep in contact in with him for years through emails and phone calls.

“Is it okay if I stay for a while?” our dad asks us. “I just got kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t afford to pay for it, and your mother wouldn’t let me live with her… so… can I?”

“Sure,” we say, simultaneously.

Then, the door swings open again.

“So you let him stay,” our mom says.

“Goodbye, Mom,” I say.

“I just want to be back in the picture,” my dad says to me and Ignacio.

“Speaking of pictures, I have to call my boss and tell him I’m not doing the mission anymore. I want to spend more time with you, Dad,” I say.

“What mission?”


“Hey boss, can I tell you something? I’m quitting being a spy!”

“What?!” my boss says.

“Yeah, you heard me! I’m spending time with my family now!”

“What?! You can’t quit right now! You… you… awkward spy!”

“Actually, it’s Auggie the Awkward Spy!”


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