Time after time, day after day, people have family reunions. I don’t think anyone really likes them that much. Well, at least, I don’t. So why do we have them? They’re so awkward. We ask our parents countless times, “Why are they so important? Do we have to go?” and honestly, they don’t give a good enough reason for me. I think that is my parents’ way of saying, “I don’t want to go either.” Back to the point: why are family reunions so awkward, and what can we do make them less awkward?

“What makes family reunions so awkward?” you might ask. Well, here you go. One time, a middle-aged woman who was a stranger came up to me and said, “Oh my, Sey, you’ve grown so much. I remember when you were a little baby.” I was asking myself who she was. I asked my dad, and he didn’t give me an answer, so to this day I still wonder who she was.

Other times, I have no one to talk to, and I’m just at a table with some adults discussing politics. And there is always that aunt or uncle who you just can’t stand, who will ask you so enthusiastically the same boring questions that kids just don’t want to hear, like, “How’s your school year going?” or, “Are you getting good grades?” Seriously? Don’t you remember your childhood? NO kid wants those questions asked. These adults just make everything awkward. Even for my dad; he has that cousin who just talks too much, and when he saw him, he said to the whole family, “Rush by.” I kept on asking why he said it, and finally my mom said, “Daddy doesn’t want to talk to him; Daddy doesn’t want to start a whole conversation.” Then, I realized my dad thought my second cousin was annoying as heck. Honestly, once I met him, I realized I’d been standing there for longer than I meant to. By that point, I ran off to talk to my cousin about how I just had the longest conversation about my school year. Point is, avoid these people, because once you are sucked in, it’s very hard to get out again.  

So now I will give you some tricks for making family reunions less awkward for you (but maybe not for others). One, arrive at least one hour later than you are supposed to. You avoid the awkwardness of standing around making small talk with the other early arrivers (who are the absolute worst), and then, your family reunion is only half as long and half as painful. Secondly, pack your own food. Unless you are lucky enough to have your own private chef, you are going to have to eat that lousy, inexpensive, catered food. Take preventative measures and sneak off into the corner with a bag of num-nums. Do not share, unless you dare. Lastly, lie about your life. Before you head into the batcave, create a fictional story and memorize it. Here’s an example: say you live in some exotic place and have a huge house with a private chef, and that you have to call your private cricket instructor to say that you’ll be missing your appointment. I know these tips might sound overly rude, but really, don’t you want to test them out? Pass these tips on. They are sacred. But choose wisely, or everything could go wrong.

So now you know that family reunions are not only your most horrific moment of existence, but also others feel the same way, so you will never be alone on that note. Although you now know some ways to make family reunions less awkward, family reunions will still be that event that no one can say they had fun afterwards. So don’t feel alone, feel awkward. Just kidding. Let’s make these events less awkward and less painful!