The Bored Hero

Once upon a time, there was a knight. This knight’s name was Sir Edmond. Sir Edmond had completed many great deeds of heroism (99 to be exact). His most famous deeds were: The Flaying Of The Most Ferociously Ferocious Ferret and The Defeat Of The Antarctic Abusive Armadillo. Sir Edmond was trying to do one more deed, so he could get to one hundred deeds, so he could get the one hundred deeds medal and become the knight of one hundred deeds. The knight of one hundred deeds was the most important knight in the land.

Sir Edmond went looking for a monster to defeat, but he had defeated all the monsters in existence (except one, which we’ll get back to later)! So he went looking for other deeds to do, but he had done all the deeds there were to do (except one, which we’ll also get back to later). The rule was you can only use one deed once.

When he went to a town and said, “What can I do?” the answer was always, “Nothing.” Sir Edmond was now desperate, so he went to The Place Where Nothing Happens, a town on the border of the Really Bad Forest, where, as you might have guessed, nothing happens.

As he was walking, he saw a magic umbrella for sale, “Magic umbrella! Even protects you from rain when it’s not raining!” The sign advertised, only $99,999,999,999.99! And one cent for shipping, handling, selling, and ripping people off!

That’s a horrible thing that person’s doing, thought Sir Edmond. I’ll stop him and get my hundredth deed!

But when he looked back, the advertisement said, Colorful Umbrellas $1.99, a perfectly reasonable price.

What happened?! thought Sir Edmond. I could swear that was there a second ago!

Suddenly, Sir Edmond heard the sound of someone cackling coming from a nearby alleyway. Sir Edmond turned, and gathering all the courage he could muster, stepped into the dimly lit alleyway. Sir Edmond was surprised at what he saw in the alleyway, for it was nothing he had expected. No evil witch stood there mixing her equally evil potions, nor did a demonic demon with nails as sharp as knives laugh over his evil plan to enslave the universe. Instead it was just a plain old umbrella leaning against a neighboring house. Wait, that was the umbrella from the shop that had disappeared!

“Finally!” Sir Edmond cried. “I can take this umbrella, arrest its owner, and get my hundredth deed! But nobody will believe me. They will think me mad! I need some evidence.”

While Sir Edmond thought about how to get some solid evidence, he heard a shuffle in the bushes.

“You get back here!” shouted Sir Edmond as he saw the umbrella go running off into the Really Bad Forest. Should I not follow the umbrella into the Really Bad Forest and try to get a deed somewhere else? thought Sir Edmond. Or should I follow it into the deep scary Really Bad Forest and possibly, no, probably get myself killed in a horribly painful way?

After a while of deciding and weighing the pros and cons (Sir Edmond was very good at weighing the pros and cons) Sir Edmond decided to chase the umbrella into the Really Bad Forest. As he was doing so, he stumbled upon an old man sitting in the forest with an umbrella.

“Aha!” exclaimed Sir Edmond. “You were the one!”

“Yes, I was!” said the old man in an inhuman voice. Then, the old man turned into an evil demon!!!


We interrupt this book to inform you that this demon was indeed the dreaded Pkeuxblo Demon, the stealer of leftover food on the kitchen counter, and Sir Edmond’s arch-nemesis!!


Just then, with a sudden burst of speed, Sir Edmond stabbed the demon in the upper left eyebrow, which, as Sir Edmond had known from his history of dealing with demons, is their only weak spot! Sir Edmond had killed the Pkeuxblo Demon! Sir Edmond was awarded the one hundred deeds medal and was awarded the title of the knight of one hundred deeds. Now, because of Sir Edmond’s brave deeds (and a little bit of luck), you can sleep in your beds assured that the Pkeuxblo Demon won’t come to your house and steal your precious leftovers.

The End

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