Book 2: The Unexpected War

Chapter 1: X’s bad day just got worse       


X was not happy today. His brother Double X was beating him in a game of ‘Who Can Shoot The Chicken Made of Clay?’ Double X was beating X by forty six carats. X got so mad that he wandered off to the place that he kept the portal. And his brother, Double X, was following him. They still never told Double X about the portal because they thought it would be better if Double X didn’t know because they thought it would be too dangerous for him. The reason why it was too dangerous for Double X was because when he was a little kid they lived at a swamp and then a bunch of crocodiles went into his room while he was sleeping, and when he woke up he saw the crocodiles ripping all of his teddy bears and all of his things he owned. Once they noticed that he was up, they bit his arms and legs off. But they found a potion–a very horrible tasting potion–and then they made Double X drink the potion for the next ten years, and after those ten years his arms and legs grew back and they were better than ever. But the actual reason why X think it’s too dangerous for Double X is because whenever Double X sees a crocodile he gets paralyzed with fear. But worst of all, when the crocodiles came they also killed Double X and X’s parents. And then they had to live in an orphanage for nine years until Sword and Flame Thrower adopted them. But the reason why it affected Double X more than it affected X was because Double X saw the crocodiles kill his parents, and he also heard their last words.

Their last words were, “When the hour strikes twelve on a Sunday night in the city that rests one hundred miles beneath the surface, there will be a war, and five armies will come to that war and hunt to all kill one person… you.” And then they died.

By accident X touched the portal and he got sent through the portal and Double X saw. Double X was very curious. He wanted to know what happened to his brother so he went over and touched the crystal, too. And then he noticed that his surroundings were changing and he was only seeing things that existed miles beneath the ground. And then he saw X, who looked like he was full of shame and he was never going to forgive himself by letting his brother look at this new world. Double X had never really liked things like crocodiles and so X felt like they could defeat him with ease.

Double X said to one of the citizens that was carrying a sword, “Can I borrow that sword for a second?”

He said, “Sure. No problem, bro.”

Double X said he wanted to fight to the death with X because X lied to him about this cool place. Double X wanted to kill him because Double X thought the place was cool. He liked the portal and the rock sculptures. So then X took his most prized possession out to fight Double X. It was the all-important Marshmallow Sword! And as it turned out X won because his brother couldn’t resist a good marshmallow.

And then X said to Double X, “I’m always one step ahead of you, little brother!”


* * *


Sword and Flame Thrower, X and Double X’s parents, were enjoying their day. Until they found out that Double X and X were gone! They went out of their minds and then they started bouncing up and down and then they fell into their pool full of taco ice cream cones. Except all of them were poisonous! The sad part was that there were also swords in it! But at least there was ice cream in it. But they missed the ice cream. But they also missed the swords! But they also missed the pool! So then they fell in the pool right left to it and that pool was filled with the most poisonous ice cream scorpions in the world. But luckily, they just decided to eat them. They’re only poisonous if they sting you.

And then they went, “Aaaaaaaaaaah!” And then after that Flamethrower said, “Like, totally. Aaaaaah!”

Then they had the craziest idea in the world. Sword wanted to go through the portal.

Then Flame Thrower said, “That plan is just so crazy. It just might work!”

“But,” they both said, ”we can’t do it right now. Because it’s our coffee break. Sorry!” they said through the portal. “We can’t help you right now. We have our coffee break.”

And then they poured some of the coffee into the portal and then it splattered on X and Double X’s faces.


*  *  *


X and Double X were astonished. Double X said, “Please! Spare me! … Another marshmallow, that is!”

X said, “Sorry, I can’t afford to lose any more of the marshmallows from my marshmallow sword. The marshmallow store is five blocks up, two blocks down, three more blocks down, five blocks into the air, two blocks southeast, and then you have to drill one hundred miles down into the ground.”

Double X said, “Sure! Anything for a good marshmallow!”

And then he started walking at his fastest slow pace which was five hundred and fifty six point five miles per hour. He looked like he was banging off the walls but in Double X’s point of view everybody else was moving in slow motion. Once Double X got to the marshmallow stand, he had a choice between extremely poisonous marshmallows and really good tasting marshmallows that were not poisonous. But of course Double X didn’t know the difference, so he just got a bag of each.

So then he went back to the city and then one of the people said, “Oooh, what’s that?”

Double X said, “Oh, that’s a marshmallow.”

And then the villager said, “Ohhh, can I have one?”

Double X said, “Sure, bro.”

But unfortunately he gave the villager the poisonous ones by accident. But luckily he only had one of them. But, unfortunately, he still died a very painful death and they caught it all on camera.

But luckily Double X still had enough poisonous marshmallows to kill a couple of crocodiles, which X, Sword, and Flamethrower still never told him about, but he had not yet come across any. But will he or will he not? That will remain undecided.


Chapter 2: Will they or will they not?


Flamethrower and Sword decided that their coffee break was over. So then they decided to have an ice cream because they didn’t want to go into the portal yet.

And then when X said through the portal, “Come down here,” they just threw a tub of ice cream on his face and said “There will be no mercy. There will be no mercy.”

But then, unluckily for Sword and Flamethrower, they finished their ice cream, and this time they didn’t even have an excuse for not going through the portal. So sad. They went in through the portal with all bow and arrows ready and their chocolate shield at the ready. When they went in, they were very sad because the ice cream bow and arrow melted as soon as they went in. But at least nobody was trying to kill them once they got through the portal, thankfully.


*  *  *


Double X said to the villagers’ corpse, “Sorry, bro. Not my fault. These little marshmallows did the trick. It wasn’t on my bucket list so it must have been on yours. Sorry.”

X came over and said, “What did you do this time?”

In a way, X didn’t want to know. But Double X told him anyway.

Double X said, “So I killed a guy with some poisonous marshmallows. But I didn’t know that they were poisonous marshmallows. I kind of did know that they were poisonous marshmallows, but I didn’t mean to give him poisonous marshmallows. But in a way I didn’t really know in the first place, but then after I tested them out on a couple of other villagers, and then they passed away, I figured out they were poisonous. But too late for that. But at least I know which ones are poisonous. Okay, you’re probably still mad at me right now.”

X said, “Oh, it’s okay. No it’s not okay! How dare you kill a bunch of people! Now you must suffer my wrath!”

But what Double X didn’t know was that X’s wrath was that he was going to take all the poisonous marshmallows from Double X and put them in his marshmallow sword so that his marshmallow sword was even more dangerous and poisonously awesome than ever. Double X was very sad that X took away his precious marshmallows. Double X started mumbling and then went over to the garbage dump and poured acid into it and then jumped into it like it was a super awesome swimming pool except instead of water it was made out of acid and garbage and sewer water.

Double X wanted revenge on X, so he went to find someone that would murder X when he was sleeping. When Double X was about to give up, he passed a group of crocodiles that were in disguise. The reason that they were in disguise was because they were planning to murder X (except not while he was sleeping, but while he was awake so that he could experience all the pain).

The crocodiles said, “We will let you live if you let us murder X.”

Double X said, “I have no idea what you mean, but better X dead than me dead.”

So, Double X said, “Okay, but don’t come crying back to me saying that X killed you.”

So when Double X came back, X asked him, “Where were you?!”

Double X said, “I was just talking to a bunch of people and trying to persuade them to murder you when you were sleeping.”

X said, “How dare you? I thought I could trust you. But, I also have to admit. I was also talking to a bunch of guys, trying to persuade them to throw you into a lava swamp.”

“We might as well kill them now,” they both said in unison.

So then, they first went to the guys who was going to throw Double X into a lava swamp and said, “New plan!”

“Well, we think we are going to throw you into a lava swamp right now,” X and Double X said in unison.

And so they did. And then they got it all on video tape because what’s the point of torturing people if you don’t have it all on video tape?!

When they got back to the village they showed the video tape to all of the soldiers that they knew, and then they had a party for the death of two of their enemies.  But when they were in the middle of their party they heard a strange rumbling noise, and then they saw a vulture.

They also saw a crocodile, a spider and a snake, which all said the same thing: “We are going to wage a war with you on the twenty-first of December.”

All of the humans were quite surprised that their defenses didn’t attack the intruders, but of course they had no choice.  They had to accept the challenge, or else the enemy would be allowed to take over their village.

“Yes we shall,” responded the humans, “but since you disturbed us while we were in a party, you will all be sentenced to death.  And I think you know how we sentence people to death by now.  So off the cliff you go.”

So off they went to the edge of the cliff, jumping off, never to be seen again.


Chapter 3: “The War”


All of the soldiers went to the battle station to get the equipment for the war.  As they did so, the enemy was also getting ready for war. The crocodiles, the vulture, the spiders, and the snakes were better at fighting, but this did not lower the humans’ spirits.  They sent Double X as a scout to see what the enemy was doing. When he came back, he told them that they’re all marching toward the city and they’re only 21,021.21 yards away. Double X was playing ping-pong with himself because since he was so fast he already finished making all of his equipment ready. He made diamond encrusted armor, of course. 20 swords, 35 shields, 39 packs of Greek fire, a bunch of these little strap thingies that you throw and then it makes a net and some grenades, Fishgut bombs, lice bombs, ice cream bombs, jelly bombs, spike bombs, fire bombs, net bombs, gooey bombs, water balloon bombs, laser bombs… Eh, you get the point.

X’s equipment was five hundred thousand shields, seven hundred swords, five hundred bombs, six hundred jars of Greek fire, and 25 tanks. Once he finished packing his equipment, he ordered twenty-five million of the villagers to try to destroy the enemy. But once they got there, all they saw was one crocodile.

But then twenty five million other crocodiles came and then one of the crocodiles shouted “CHARGE!”

And then all the crocodiles started running toward them. But, they had a secret weapon. Double X started to run around the crocodiles throwing jars of Greek fire at them. All the crocodiles died and then the other four armies started to pour through underground holes to attack them. Then Double X ran away, but all of the other four armies followed him. Double X knew that if he didn’t do anything then he was going to die. But he also knew that if he did do something then he might have a chance of defeating the four armies. So he changed directions and started running toward them. And then his army started to follow him. And then they started destroying the other four armies. And then there was just one vulture left, and then that vulture said that he surrendered and then flew away. So for now, they all got to live in peace.



Or So It Seemed……  

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