Fred Screws Up

There was once a bug named Fred, and he was very stupid. His biggest dream was to become the President of the United States of America. He knew he had to make some money, so he decided to get a job.  He decided he wanted to be a professional eater. There were all sorts of eating contests, but he never heard of any of those.  So then he decided to start his own contest. A leaf eating contest. There were two others at the first contest, thinking it was going to be salad. But they were wrong, terribly wrong. At the second contest, there were two more people there who were fooled again. By the fifth competition, there were about as many people as you would see at a football game.

He ate the first leaf.  “It tastes good,” said Fred.  

He ate the second leaf, and he was getting a little bit full. Then he ate five more leaves.  The others in the competition were only there to be on TV.  

“I’m gonna win! I’m going to get my title!”  

He ended up eating about ten leaves for the competition.  

“I don’t feel too great, but I love leaves.”  

For each competition, he ate ten leaves. At each competition, he grew more and more, and each competition rewarded him $50,000. People had never seen an ant that big before. The crowds got bigger, and people liked him. He was sort of like a performing seal – everybody loved him. He had about two million dollars, and he was all set to run his campaign.  Once he got super big, he ended his leaf eating career to become President of the United States.

Then something happened. He had to design his campaign posters. He didn’t know how to work a computer, and he needed to know how to work a computer to design the poster. So he paid someone to do it for him, and that costed about a thousand bucks. So he got a really nice poster, but then he had another problem. How were people going to vote for him? He looked like an alien. He was all black with three body parts plus an antenna. He has six arms, and he was the size of a thirteen-year-old. He once heard about this thing called plastic surgery. It made you look different. So he decided to get one.



Fred was feeling good that he was finally going to change his look. He wanted to look like a human.

The waiting room was full of chairs and magazines. It was all white. There were a few plants. And he smelled medicine. Fred saw a few people coming out of the doctor’s office. They looked normal. But their eyes were wide open, not even blinking.

Fred thought, Well, if that’s what humans look like, I guess their eyes can’t close.

Fred had never been to the doctor’s office, so he was not nervous. He didn’t know what really happened. Then the doctor called Fred in. He went in.

When he walked into the plastic surgeon’s office, he saw a sign that said: WARNING- RAZOR SHARP MATERIALS.

Fred’s eyes went wide open. He couldn’t blink. He was scared now. He was scared of the razor sharp materials. He thought that the doctor could kill him. Fred didn’t want to talk. This surgery was still his best hope to look like a human.

The plastic surgeon told Fred to lie down on the bed. He gave Fred a drink that made him fall asleep for about 20 minutes.

The plastic surgeon did the surgery because he was so talented.

When Fred woke up, he walked out, seeing the razor sharp materials. His eyes were still wide open because of the sign.

Fred felt fine. When he walked out, he went to the house he bought, looked at himself in the mirror, and saw that he looked completely different.

He was still a normal ant, but he was completely orange.

Fred was super mad. He just blew $300 on something that made him like a circus clown. He was mad at himself. The people he overheard mentioning the plastic surgery just said he was going to look different. But Fred had thought he was going to look like a human. He didn’t want to be mad at the plastic surgeon because he didn’t want to be mean. Fred was a nice ant.

And so Fred went to bed.

The next day, Fred heard that there was a National Convention for the Democrats and Republicans. Fred didn’t know which one to go to. Eventually, he decided to become a Democrat.

Fred had to buy a plane ticket to Pennsylvania, where the convention was held. The plane ticket cost Fred about $100.

When Fred went up to speak, he said, “Giant ants are humans too!”

Everybody cheered for no reason. He must have said that about 15 times during the convention. After the speech was over, he saw some people marching around, holding Donald Trump signs. Hmm, I wonder what they’re doing. So he went to the store, and he bought a Trump sign, and he started marching around with them. Then it was Fred’s turn to speak again.  The question was, “There are four other candidates. Why should you be the President of the United States?”  

He said, “Because I’m an orange ant, and people love me.”  

Everybody cheered.  

The next question was, “How do you think you’re going to deal with slavery?¨  

And Fred said, “What’s slavery?”  

Then the people started laughing, and Fred said, “I know. I’m hilarious.”

It was someone else’s turn to speak, and he got off of the stage. Then he went to go watch Hillary Clinton’s speech. Hillary Clinton was talking about how she was going to create peace and freedom in the United States, and Fred said, “Um. Darn, I forgot to talk about freedom. What is freedom?”  

Then he went to the dictionary.  He searched up freedom. But instead he found “free dome.”

He said, “Oh, I can get a free dome.”

He went to the dome store, and he bought a dome, thinking it was free, and he yelled at the clerk.  

The clerk said, “It wasn free.  Where did you get this from?”

Fred said, “The dictionary.”  

The clerk just rolled her eyes and gave him everything he needed for the dome, how much it cost, and where it was. But Fred was still super mad.  

“I’m getting this thing for free because I got ripped off, so I’m getting it for free!”  

As he left, she yelled at him. “I’m calling the cops!”

And then, the next day, the cops arrived at his house and came to arrest him.  He said he was an ant, and they said, “You’re not the suspect. They said it was someone named Fred running for President, who was a very mean person.  And you’re not a person. You’re an ant.”  

So the cops left. The next day, he figured out the election was going to be earlier than normal. It was going to be August 31st. He had to get ready. He had to buy everything he needed for the election, and it cost him a million dollars. So he went there, and he had to be at the election. He tried to take the normal airport, and it was super crowded, so he missed his flight. He had $1 million. So he bought a private jet that cost him $800,000. Then when he got there, he realized that he had to be in Washington D.C. for the election. He also realized, if he was elected, he would have to live in Washington D.C. So Fred bought a house, not realizing he could live in the White House if he was elected. That cost him about $1 million.

Fred thought he could pay it off, but he didn’t have enough money left.

And then Fred said, “Darn it, I can’t be the President of the United States now!”

Then as he was about to leave, someone said, “Hold on, I want you to be my Vice President.”

It was Mrs.Clinton. Being Vice President wasn’t as good as being President, but it was better than nothing!


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