Oommbatata the tortoise was a crazy testudine pupa. (A dollar tortoise’s scientific name.) He was not the kind of “friendly” tortoise. He only desired to create a new Turtletopia. (Turtletopia was the land of turtles and tortoises but was only a small island). His previous 43,535 attempts to take over the earth had failed because he had an army of only 62 testudine pupas, no tortoise tanks, lack of comedians, and blah blah blah!!! Oommbatata one day got picked up by somebody and then he was reminded of the injustice of animals.

“I’m gonna call in a tortoise army to show them who’s boss!” He climbed to the top of the random person’s finger and yelled in Tortoineise, “All you miniature testudine pupas better come here!”

Then the guy went, “What the heck is that tiny turtle saying?!”

Then, of course, Oommbatata yelled, “All of you testudine pupa, get that overestimated twerp!”

So, duh, he jumped off the person’s hand and landed with an oof. He chased Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me all over the place. But three hours later he hadn’t gotten close and Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me didn’t seem to care about Oommbatata. So, Oommbatata called the armed forces of Turtletopia to go faster. But since turtles are slow, they couldn’t catch up even then. He then had the urgent need to fart. He let it out into the skies above and landed on Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me’s head. He kung-fued him by pooping on Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me with a nasty blarp. The tortoise army mindlessly followed Oommbatata over Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me and that was that. Then they took over Carl’s House of Beans and ate beans and flew into the Tower of Pisa. It only took about five seconds for the world to rename it the “Leaning Tower of Pisa” (It was in the New York Times, Issue 26 of 2005).

He yelled, “You’re ours, Italy!”

Then the cops came to get him but that smelly little posterior knocked ‘em out. Oommbatata then realized the Army was on their way, so they farted out of Italy. He waited three minutes and said, “You’re 180.32 seconds late! Now get movin’!!”

Meanwhile, the enemies, the birds, were migrating to the U.K. So Oommbatata and his tortoise army decided on staying in an abandoned warehouse and hatched a plan for the nighttime assault, but only after the spies discovered where they were.

“At 12 we strike the nest. We will gas our way up there. Then we will fart our poo cannons up and we will fire!”

They snuck to the big tree. By big, I mean 68 feet tall. They used their turtlenoculars to spot them. Oommbatata yelled, “What’s the status?”

“We’re positive the mentally retarded flock’s asleep!”

And so he climbed (with the assistance of gas) up the tree. The tortoises farted all the way up because of their big load, which meant high speeds (remember the poo cannons?) Then they shouted, “Hey, who’s slow now?”

“Shut up!” yelled Oommbatata.

Then the tortoises lay on their bellies. The midgets climbed on. General Ahookasma yelled, “Open fire!”

And a stinky scent filled the high-perched habitat. The birds woke up in a dark shade of brown. They all fainted from the stench and later shoved off from the nest. At 7 a.m. the farmer woke up in shock that stinky birds were lying unconscious on his fields. The flag of Turtletopia was placed on the now-useless birdie-perch. Then in the middle of the gas party, Oommbatata commanded them to sail the H.M.S. Feather back to America.

They turned the Statue of Liberty green (putting a shell on would be too hard work). They sailed to Florida, where they recruited crocodiles (the people wondered why they were gone). Then he created and signed the Declaration of Preparation for Invasion (declaring invasion) on Washington. But, since he had bad geography, he attacked Washington state instead. They farted their way across the diameter of the state. They then found that the birds had claimed this land. Oommbatata had a plan.

“We will strike at 1:00 sharp. We swing up those vines, get in our shells, and crash on those surprised faces!“

These turtles were tired, but they managed to hit their marks. “Again?! Where do we go now with these testudine pupa messing around?!”

Then Oommbatata shouted, “Hey! Nobody calls us by our scientific, biologically-named names!”

They jumped around like monkeys and farted ‘til their nest burned to gas. The crocodiles jumped up, rolled up into a ball in midair and made big holes in the floors. Then they farted all the way to Canada, where they landed on a now-squashed-birdie-base. Rokanohi said, “Is this the congo?”

“No, you idiot, this is Canada!” said Oommbatata.

They ventured into nowhere and found a jungle. They ventured all they way to the Amazon and again, Rokanohi asked if it was the Congo, and again, “No, you idiot, this is the Amazon!”

Then Ahookasma said, “We’re actually probably going to die because we’re in the Amazon.”

“What is going on with this planet??!!” yelled You-Know-Who.

Then they met a tribe of testudines. Well, at least not testudine pupas. Then they declared war because they hated the differences of their shells.

“Kjgkuesrguiesygrikuserhgkuserghkieusghkrsut” is what the conflict of the first Amazonian war sounded like. This is how it ended. Like World War II, except it was a big bunch of melons times two. They had drops of turtlepowder in them which hurt more than the insides of watermelon (turtlepowder was just cracked bits of shell). They placed a flag smack in the middle of the Amazon. In Latin it said: Cave turtures! (ich by the way meant beware the turtles). Then they had to go back to Washington state (by the way, from Washington to Canada to Amazon to Washington took 12 weeks) to get the H.M.S. Tortoise running. Their next destination: Moscow, Russia.

“We sail starting 12 noon in 30 seconds. Then we will travel to the border pretending we are a little cruise liner. After we land we sneak out and take over the world!” Oommbatata announced.

“But our legs are sore!” (They didn’t know they were gonna fart there.)

“Guess what?”


“Nobody cares! Now shut up and let’s get going!”

They launched from the docks after 23 seconds and then they farted off the ship (walking gets old! farting never does!). Then they started to stench up St. Peter’s square. It reeked so horribly it woke everyone up. The Fire Department had to wear gas masks to put out the smell. Mission accomplished! Oommbatata had a deadly idea. He found a flight that would go around the world. His maximum fart diameter was 64,532 miles. Combined with his testudine army he could cover the world with natural greenhouse gases. They snuck into the baggage section and got into the luggage chamber. Then they farted a tiny hole (big enough for 32,445 midget tortoise butts to pass gas) and then opened fire on the world! The world stunk of testudine gassing for ten devastating days. (Nobody remembered those days because no one was conscious.) Oommbatata’s plan had worked! (Only for a few days.)

That is how they did it. They spent five days sleeping! Then they kept spraying the world for a year. So 2005 was lived twice. The actual one was the first but no one knew. They had only seen the second and not original 2005. And to make sure they didn’t confuse the people, they set a one-year timer so when the year ended they spent another day cleaning up the horrifying smell so it would feel like the people had fallen asleep and woken up the next day. Oommbatata still farted around in Turtletopia (the island). The reason it hasn’t been discovered is because it reeks too badly to smell. Every person who tries to explore is knocked out. Every person who was never seen again probably was knocked out for a century from turtle speed. Even the U.S. deployed Black Ops!!! Along with Italy’s army (they were knocked out though). They left a Blackhawk heli along with an A129 Mangusta.

“You thinking what I am?!”

They flew it over Venezuela and passed some speed over the tiny place. (The reason they speeded over Venezuela is because they spun the globe and picked a random place.) When they flew back they also gassed on Mr. You’re-Dead-To-Me II and III (don’t ask me who they are). The U.S. declared war that you have never heard of. It was secret!!! It was known as the War of the Midget Enemy. The U.S. had tanks, and so did Turtletopia. The U.S. had planes, and Turtletopia had a fleet of modified 747s. The U.S. had ships and subs, and Turtletopia had sea turtle subs with floatie turtles. The U.S. had cannons and guns, while turtletopia had fart and poo blasters. The reason the war was widely unknown was because the U.S. was too embarrassed to talk about it. The turtles won by nearly a fart. The battle was only one day because the turtles dropped paratroopers and they farted on America and they got knocked out again to miss another day of life. So America’s pretty much behind a day and they gave up. The new Turtletopia is now Earth! (That is why a lot of turtles live on Earth) and why forget the facts:

  • All species of sea turtles are endangered because they lost their floaties and are not used to swimming.
  • You never see flying turtles because they look like airliners (BECAUSE THEY ARE).
  • All turtles now have the special ability to fart @ will.

Anyways, just Wiki it.

Continued, every sort of life form except turtles has missed 56,778,786,565,547,476 hours, 15 minutes, 35.687 seconds of time while the turtles had farted them out. To this day they still shell the birds and blast them with the helicopters they got for free. WW3 had begun against the birds because they owned Brazil and Turtletopia island was in the Bermudas. They weren’t far away and when the birds flew to America, tortoise recon got them in sight and they deployed the TTAF (Turtletopia air force) in a ≜ formation from the Bermudas to America. Then they split up and dropped the parapoopers onto the birdie-base. King of Birdie-Poo, the eagle, sent birds that were shot down by the 747 #56 in the first wave. Then the turtles fought back by dropping empty explosive tortoise shells on the bird bath.

“No! Our bath! You leave us no choice! Send the condors!”

A fleet of condors in a V formation flew into battle which were kicked out by the tickle-o turtles. Tickled to death, they were, and the 7.5 kilos were just too much to handle on the four gram tinies. The helicopters flew over, shooting feathers off the now-naked, featherless, beaked freaks. Here comes the twist. The Black Ops comes in and shoots everyone down. Well, at least for the turtles, because the sanctuary was a mountain of rubble. They took over an airport and the planes and helicopters landed at the airport to refuel. One hour later, they took off again after robbing the restaurants. They landed back at the island of Turtletopia and played fart volleyball. The End. Or do you really think so? Well, the turtles outsmarted him and tricked him into ramming into a wall. Mission accomplished!

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