The Totally Normal Average Family


“Yeah right, Dad. Of course there were teleporter machines in 2017,” I said to my dad.

“No, seriously,” my dad told me.

“Did I tell you about the first Mars mission?” Dad asked.

“Yes Dad, you’ve told me a million times.” I told him. “Why do you have to be so old school, Dad? It embarrasses me in front of my friends. It’s 2039, not 2000.”

Just then, Mom and Taylor walked into the living room and asked, “Guys, what are you doing? Jack, you’re going to miss the school bus. John-”

“Natasha, you know I don’t get to spend enough time with my son.”

“But when you decided you were going to follow this career path, you said you knew you weren’t going to get to spend as much time with the kids as you used to be able to.”

Great. Welcome to my world. My parents are always arguing. I’ve heard them talking about divorce when they think I’m not listening. I really don’t care as long as I get to keep my Playstation 4 VR.



I hate my ten-year-old brother. He’s so annoying. He makes so many stupid jokes. It’s like he doesn’t care that Mom and Dad might get divorced. All he does is play stupid games on his VL thing or whatever. I don’t want Mom and Dad to get divorced! I’m twelve. If they wanted to get divorced, they should have done it earlier. On the other hand, I might get to live with my grandma and my mom. The only reason I don’t get everything I want is because of Dad. My grandma was the one that got me an iPhone last year. My dad would never allow it. Thankfully, he was on a business trip. My dad goes on a lot of business trips. He has this job that Mom always gives hints about, but she’s never actually told me and my BFUSSB(Big Fat Ugly Stupid Smelly Brother) what the job is. Dad used to be a professor, but he quit. Don’t ask me why.



I am a spy for the KGB. The Russian spy agency. They were brought back in 2030. I used to be a professor of mechanics at the University of Illinois. It was convenient because we live right next to it. But then I missed a very important deadline, and I got fired. I knew I should have accepted tenure. I concealed it from my wife and kids, by saying I just resigned because I found a better job opportunity. Right then, the KGB asked me to be a professional assassin. I’ve had many important missions. Just last week, we used a transmitting device inside of a heel to track down a businessman, and then, I shot him with a poison dart-shooting umbrella. Successful mission.  



Why the $#@! did my @#$%^& husband resign? He had a great job. He was makin’ 150 grand a year! He was a master electrician at the University of Illinois. It’s a great college. And after he resigned, he started getting all violent like a murderer or something. The only reason I haven’t told the kids about it is because I don’t even know what the “amazing job opportunity” actually is!

I couldn’t be around my family anymore. I started going insane. One day, I was cooking, and I pulled out a knife and wielded it at my kids. That was when I realized I needed serious psychological help. But nothing worked. I started having flashbacks of when my father was fighting in WW III. It was the worst war in the history of the world. Of course, it was started by that stupid imbecile Donald Trump. I dropped off the kids in an orphanage and drove off. Then, I started swerving. I didn’t mean to, but I felt like I just didn’t have control of the car. I hit a red Lamborghini and crashed. Then, a rock fell and smashed me, and I almost died.



I can’t believe Mom would just drop us off at the orphanage like that! I thought she loved us! When she dropped us off at the orphanage, my whole life changed. I didn’t have any parents anymore. I was a… a… an… orphan!



I know what we should do! We should totally escape. Like in movies. We could go to grandma’s house and seek refuge. Whatever that means.



I guess we’ll just wait for a new family to come and adopt us.



To: Marjorie Smith

From: Taylor Smith

Sub: Locked UP!

Grams, u gotta come and bust us out of this dump! Mom dropped us off here when she went insane. Maybe we could go live undercover at your place. Quick, before some weirdo adopts us.



To: Mom

From: Jack


Mom, why? Why would you leave us at the orphanage? Please come and take us back!



My iPhone buzzed. I looked on it and saw an email from Jack. That was when I realized that I had made a big mistake.



“Yes! I knew you were going to come back,” I told my mom.

“Yep,” she said.



Well, I guess I spoke too soon. But don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that Mom is back.

I think we all are.



Wow, did you guys actually think I was dead? I was just at a sleepover with my bud, and my wife went insane. I’m at the orphanage with a SWAT team. We’re tracking down Natasha and the kids.



What the… why is there a swat team trailing us? Is that John?!! We turn around. I really think it’s John. It is! Um… what is going on here?! They pull up to us.

“Hey Natasha,” he said. “I know you want to know everything. And I’ll tell you. When we get home.”

“We’ve had a lot of adventures too,” I told him.

And we all walk off into the sunset together.



And that is our totally normal average family. Everybody explained everything, and our family lived exactly like that for a long, long time.


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