And His Name is John Cena

This is John Cena. He looks like a cool kid, with a bald head, a Blackhawks hat, a Patrick Kane T-shirt, a Jonathan Toews jersey, and red shorts.

His house is a mansion with 500 rooms and a huge man cave. If he would sell his house it would cost $1,000,000,000 at least. He has great kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms, and a huge backyard. His lot is 50 miles long and 100 miles wide. It is on a hill overlooking the ocean. He has 20 boats at his private harbor.

John Cena wants the Stanley Cup. He wants to RKO Sidney Crosby. He wants to play on the best with all the legend players when they played, like Wayne Gretsky. He wants to meet Chuck Norris because he wants to RKO Chuck Norris and Gwen Stefani and Justin Bieber. He has a snake named John Cena Jr. He stinks at hockey. He can’t skate. He is a fail. He thinks he can throw pucks in the goal. He made his wrestling place into a hockey rink. He practiced skating and wants to try out for the Ice Hogs. He sees Blackhawks players like Panarin, Anisimov, and Bickell.

He gets eaten by a tissue box. He punches it though. He gets captured by Steph Curry with Kevin Durant. Their mastermind is Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen. Then he RKOs everybody and then gets captured by J.J. Watt and Luke Keekly and Cam Newton. The masterminds are Jerry Rice and Steve Young.

He thinks he is going to miss the tryouts. He is in his Ferrari. The tryouts started at 5:00 p.m. and it was 4:40 p.m., and he was in Evanston and the tryouts are near the Bean. He gets there right on time at 5:00 p.m. and gets on the ice at 5:15 and he sees Coach Q. Coach Q says he is not good enough to be on the Ice Hogs, but he says that if they don’t have enough players that he will play. He is so sad that he makes himself get every animal in the world and a dragon named Bob Cena. He gets a call from Randy Orton and Brock Lessner saying they hope he makes the team. That doesn’t make him feel any better so he goes to skate outside in his rink with his penguins and polar bears and all the other Arctic animals. He gets a call, and he makes the team. He is so happy, he gets his jersey and goes to the first camp against the AHL team, the Texas Stars. He is bummed. He is on the second line up, but also happy he got to play. He scores five goals that game and moves up to the Blackhawks to replace Teuvo Teravinan. He is on the line with Kane and Toews and is left wing.

The Hawks get loads of good players from trading and unfortunately he has a low salary cap — three million a year. He is on the best team, but they have not won the Stanley Cup yet. It is the last game. If they lose they will not be in the playoffs, and if they win they will be in the playoffs. It is 2-2 with two minutes left in the game. The other team scores. They are winning and there are two minutes left. Five, four, three, two, John Cena scores! It is tied, one second left, beeeep! It’s going to overtime, then if no one scores then it will go to a shoot out. Thirty seconds into overtime the other team scores! But the play is challenged by Coach Q. They review it and the call is no goal, goaltender interference. They score 15 seconds later — they are going to the playoffs.  

The first team they play in the playoffs is the St. Louis Blues. They crush them in the series 4-0 Next they have to play the Capitals. They win the first three games in the best of seven but then they win three so it will go to game 7. If they win they will go to the Stanley Cup finals and go against the New York Rangers. They will get the home advantage. The first game is at Madison Square Garden where the New York Knicks play. The Hawks beat the Capitals so they will play the Rangers. The first game is sold out. John Cena is the top scorer and leads in everything so he will get more than the Stanley Cup. He will have playoffs MVP, postseason MVP, most power play goals, most goals, and most points, so he will get five trophies. It is game 7, three seconds to go in the game, 3-2 Rangers. Three, two, one, goal John Cena. It is going to overtime and then another overtime and so on until someone scores. It is the seventh overtime, the longest game in history. They say that if he wants a Stanley Cup ring that he can’t play the rest of the game but he will get to hold the Stanley Cup and it will go to his house for a week. He gets the Stanley Cup and gets lots of stuff. John Cena still is on the Blackhawks team right now, and he is in the Hall of Fame.

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