Guide for Being EVIL, I Mean Eating a Bunch of Cotton Candy and Being Super Cute.

Step 1. Come up with an EVIL name by eating dead fish and licking lollipops full of WORMS. And then you will get an awesome name like Master Big Booty Evil Skull Face or if you are boring, Temp 1.

Step 2. Get a job at a place that sells fast food, and don’t tell anybody your real name (or I will make you wear clown makeup like Evil Master by bribing you with, I mean, giving you candy).

Step 3. Cause some mischief. (If you don’t, I will stuff your bed with old tuna fish.) Heehee. I mean, give you chocolate with caramel and death. I mean, uhhhhhh, a puppy. Yes, very nice. Oh, I have gotten so good at lying. Uhh, that means telling the truth in Latin!!!

Step 4. Design your supervillain outfit by stealing fabric from a shop. I mean, buying it from a fancy craft store. Then, follow some sort of sewing pattern, or force someone to sew it. I mean, pay someone to sew it for you.

Step 5. Start stealing from shops. I mean, uhhh, buy stuff from shops. Oops, I already used that. I’m running out of lines. I need to delete this document before the police find my computer.

Step 6. Just go away. I’m sick of telling you things.

Step 7. Just go away. I mean it!

Step 8. Why am I still typing? Okay, fine. I’ll actually do something.

Step 9. Publish a story about how you became evil. I mean, how you became an amazing super hero puppy. I first became evil, I mean, a Superhero puppy, in 1876. I mean, 2016. I’m 100. Uhh, I mean, um, 25. Uh, no, no, no. Twenty-five is old for a puppy. Okay, you guys caught me. Call the police. Okay, fine. I just don’t want to tell my story. This is just a fake document, and I’m just a little girl. I mean, middle-aged woman. I don’t want to be me because I don’t want to be allergic to cheese. I mean, avocados. I mean, candy. I mean, what am I saying? I am not evil, but I want to be evil because I can’t buy things myself, and I get 25 minutes of screentime. That’s too little. It’s just against the law. I want to be evil because you can have a super cool fake identity and be an evil, awesome spy. I could be really sneaky. Wait, can’t good people do that too? I should probably think about this.


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