The Adventure of Christian and the Ancient Tour Guide

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Christian, who was pretending to work at Writopia. Writopia is a camp where kids have fun doing writing activities. Christian was pretending to be a good writer and was pretending to work at Writopia. Christian was a guy who wanted to become a tour guide, like the ancient tour guide in the legend. He had very crazy hair. It was big, curly, blonde hair that went around everywhere, his skin was light, and he really liked Star Wars… or did he? Maybe he was just pretending to the kids that he liked it. But nobody knows that for sure. It’s his mind.

One day, after Writopia camp, he set off to be taught by the ancient tour guide. Legend says that he lives on a very tall mountain above the clouds, and the top of the mountain touches space. It is a secret, invisible, and very tall mountain. The legend says that the ancient tour guide lives there. Christian set off to the mountain. He walked and walked. He walked past Arizona, he walked through Mississippi, and he swam the Atlantic Ocean up to Bulgaria.

There, in the middle of Bulgaria, he found the mountain of the ancient tour guide. He had anti-invisible goggles, so he could see the mountain. So he set off. It was a long journey to the mountain, and Christian had packed a lot of stuff. Sleeping bags, food, a tent, and a walking stick, and a few toys (a big, fluffy teddy bear and toy cars and toy trains) and books (mystery books and legends about the ancient tour guide, of course, and books to log his progress and draw and take pictures), and a computer to send messages to the Writopia camp. But that was so they would not know his secret identity. Secretly, he was trying to turn Writopians into his tourists when he finished with his training.

He walked for many days, and he slept and ate. It was very tiring, and Christian was always complaining and mumbling and whining to himself. Finally, he got to the ancient tour guide. The tour guide was just an old man who was standing straight, very still against the sunset. He looked creepy to Christian, and Christian soon realized that the tour guide was a thousand years old. He realized because he was very good at seeing how old people were using his magical power that he was secretly hiding. He knew how old all the kids and adults were in Writopia, and he wrote that in his log. His log, because he was walking so much, was getting as big as the mountain, and he had to knit a backpack out of grass for it.

But then, a big bear came out. The bear was just going out to pick some blueberries, but then Christian started running, which was very bad. (You shouldn’t run when a bear comes because the bear will think you’re food. You should just walk away slowly, without looking it in the eyes.) Christian started to run, even though he shouldn’t have. The bear thought he was food, so the bear started running after Christian, and Christian was very freaked out, but it was a good thing he was with the ancient tour guide. The bear almost gobbled him up, but the ancient tour guide put a net over the bear, and it made the bear’s mind think that Christian was a predator that was going to eat the bear. The bear was so freaked out, that he ran all the way up the mountain, to the top of space, where he couldn’t breathe, and the bear ran all the way down the mountain.

Then, the ancient tour guide started teaching Christian. But Christian was a very bad student. He was very noisy, and he didn’t pay attention, and when the ancient tour guide said, “You should go slow, not fast,” Christian went really fast and bumped and put his head in a crater. A piece of Mars had dropped down when the moon hit Mars once, a very long time ago, which did not really happen, but in this story I will use it.

Anyway, Christian vowed he would overcome the obstacle. After many years of training, Christian became a very good student. He worked very hard, and he was trained by the ancient tour guide. He went slower because of the bad jokes that he had to tell to become a tour guide, and walking backwards while talking (especially telling bad jokes,) he learned to be slower so his crowd could stay together and focus. Of course, his crowd was Writopia.

He also was trained to know lots of things. He had to know about everything on his tour, so the ancient tour guide helped him memorize everything by taking him on a little tour. The ancient tour guide dropped lots of books on his head once when he didn’t participate, and that’s another reason why he got to be a better student, because it hurt him. Luckily, Christian had very puffy hair, so the books didn’t hurt him that much. But also, for Writopia, he was the tour guide of everywhere in Bulgaria, especially the big, invisible ancient mountain, which lots of people have bumped into because it is invisible.

So, as Christian walked, he stumbled upon a rock, and I’m sorry to say this, but he fell down and broke his leg, and it hurt a lot. But he was carried to a hospital by birds. The birds were Australian ostriches in Bulgaria, and because Christian was very heavy, it took thirty Australian ostriches to carry him.

While he was recovering, all the time he was thinking, No, no, no, I have to get back to Writopia. No, no, no, I have to be taught by the ancient tour guide. I have to keep on going with my life. But, in a few months, he recovered and he went back to Writopia. He got back to Writopia because the thirty ostriches carried him back across the sea. The thirty ostriches could walk on water. The ostriches were gray and brown with very long necks and very, very, very long feet, and their feathers were all puffed up, like a peacock.

When Christian got back to Writopia, his hair had gotten even more wild. He met lots of friends at Writopia, and one of the friends here is telling this story. Anyway, he kept on walking, and when he got there, he pretended to type, but actually it was an invisible bug who typed for him. He just pretended to type the keys, because he didn’t actually know anything about writing or typing. He was just sitting there eating Goldfish.

Then at lunch, a bunch of Christian’s buddies at Writopia went around him and made up nicknames for him. But he actually needed the nicknames to make his tour guide name. His nicknames were Banana, Cucumber, Fried Eggs, Humpty Dumpty, Pineapple, Kiwi, Tidal Wave, Cherry, Pickle, Broccoli Head, Younger Blonde-Haired Billy Joe, and, the best ever, Charles! His tour guide name was CucFriEggHumDumPinKiwTidWavCherPicBrocHeaYouBloHaiBilJoeCha, otherwise known as Charles Brocky. At lunch, he always had to take a carrot, a chip, and a pretzel for the story. He made a story out of fruits. This had to do with his tour guiding, to make up bad joke stories.

Then, after Writopia was done, he started changing the kids’ minds with his magic power that the tour guide gave him, changing all the kids’ and grown-ups’ minds to become tourists. The tour guide gave it to him, actually, by dropping the books on him. He looked like a Hawaiian hula dancer when he was spreading the power.

And those were his years at Writopia. There were actually only two years, and his last week was the week that I’m writing this all. At the end, on Friday, he took us to the mountain. Christian told us all that he was going to take us on a tour, and we couldn’t say no, so all the people at Writopia had to go.

So, at first, everybody was like, “Oh, this going to be a terrible tour! I don’t want to go. This is such a big mountain.”

We all got to the mountain by the thirty ostriches that made babies, so now there are ninety-nine ostriches. There were not that many people at Writopia, but Christian was very heavy. So we started off. We had to pack a lot of stuff, and Christian carried most of our stuff with his magic tour guide powers. He raised his hands in the air, all the bags went into the sky, and he told the bags to follow us as we go, and the bags did it. So that made us all think that Christian was actually very talented.

Christian started walking backwards and looked at his tourists (us, Writopians). He first started with saying bad jokes.

Christian said, “Listen up. You must all call me Charles Brocky!” And we did.

Christian told us about the moon that hit Mars a few years ago, and made a piece of Mars fall down as we passed the giant crater. We (Writopians) thought that Christian was very talented and worked very hard.

As we walked, he talked and gave bad jokes and told us all about the tour and all about his training. But still, we disliked his lack of reading. He couldn’t read very well. All the kids, one day, told him to tell them a story, but he couldn’t read, so he didn’t tell them the right story, and all the kids knew that story, so he got very bad credit. We decided to teach him how to read. But, once the ancient tour guide dropped books on his head, Christian was a very good student.

At night time, at 6:55 PM, we taught him how to read. He learned to read by 7:52 PM. Then, we all woke up at 6:45 AM. We reached the ancient tour guide at 9:56 PM, but we got too tired, so Christian actually told us a good story. The story lasted sixty seconds, because he read it so fast, like a rap, and we enjoyed it and that made us very tired.

Then, Writopians said, “Hey, Charles Brocky, when you go back to Writopia, can you teach us how to read a story that fast?”

“Sure.”

We found Christian cleaning a spill at the camp tent. This made us think he was helpful, and we learned every detail about his life. We learned that he liked to clean up spills, and he liked to spill them too, then clean them up. We looked at the floor. It looked so shiny after that.

Then, the ancient tour guide came in the tent when Writopians were still asleep, but Christian was still awake because tour guides don’t sleep a lot. He said, “Good work, pupil. Or should I say, Charles Brocky?” Then, the ancient tour guide said, “CucFriEggHumDumPinKiwTidWavCherPicBrocHeaYouBloHaiBilJoeCha, good work. Very good work.”

In the morning, Christian took us all to meet the ancient tour guide, and he told us his legend, and he did a whole tour about the ancient tour guide, and we all shook hands with him. We started going back home, very happy and thinking Christian was the best ever and thanking him for letting us go on his tour and giving him lots of money. He gave us another tour on the way down the mountain on the other side. We saw he was very good at walking backwards. He walked backwards down the mountain without bumping, and told lots of bad jokes. His jokes were even worse than last time.

Once, it was dinnertime, and we had soup. There was a fly in one of our soups, so the person from Writopia said, “Christian… I mean, Charles Brocky… what’s this fly doing in my soup?”

Then, Christian said, “Looks like the back stroke.”

Everybody laughed so hard that the soup came out their noses.

When we got to the end of the mountain, Christian was telling so many bad jokes that he slipped on a rock right at the bottom of the mountain. He was a perfect tour guide, but right when the tour ended, he slipped, and we had to all catch him in our tent.

Christian was so embarrassed that he turned all red and he ran all the way up to space in a second (because the top of the mountain touches space, I will tell you again).   Christian was so embarrassed, he jumped off the tip of the mountain and he started flying. He ended up at his house, but he couldn’t fly anymore after that. He got the flying power from too much embarrassment; when you’re so embarrassed, you can do amazing things.

Then, Christian decided, That doesn’t matter. I will do another tour again, but I will never work at Writopia. I am too embarrassed. And they will stop calling me Charles Brocky. That’s it.

What will Christian, or Charles Brocky, do next?