…And His Name Is John Cena


Chapter 1


In the dragon apocalypse nobody is your friend. Currently, my only friend is a wrestler. And his name is John Cena! He and I are the last survivors. We only survive on gatorade and solid form Gatorade. Before the dragons tried to destroy us they gave us one last wish each. I was one of the 20,000 people who wished to meet John Cena. If you’re wondering why there is dragon apocalypse it’s because Donald Trump took over the United States of Eh (a super country/mix of the US and Canada) and turned it into an oligarchy. The other oligarchs are the leaders of ISIS (who are dragons). So, now there is a dragon apocalypse.

So, back to John Cena. John Cena took all the 20,000 people up to the top of a mountain. So, I took the chance and pushed 19,999 people off a mountain. I was the only one with John Cena. John was slightly alarmed, but he didn’t say much.

After 24 hours everybody had died except for John and I. We were living in a cave formed by all the 19,999 people rolling down the mountain. John was expanding the cave by punching the rock when he hit what he thought was an oil outbreak. He said, “Lars, I think I hit an oil outbreak. We’re rich!”.

“Everybody’s dead, remember?” I said, “and that’s not oil, it’s Gatorade!”

After finding Gatorade all we drank was grape Gatorade and all we ate was solid form grape Gatorade. After a day John and I were developing what I call ‘Gatorade Cramps’. John and I started brainstorming how to stop the dragons at 5:00 pm. John thought there were other people left. But, I said, “There can’t be any people left, ISIS killed them all.” We continued brainstorming until John decided we should leave Colorado. I asked John, “What time is it?”

Then John said, “Midnight.” Time flies like ISIS dragons.

The next day, as we were leaving the cave, I asked John, “Where are we going and how are we getting there?”.

He replied casually, “We’re going to the Mega-Ultra-Super Amish people. And we’re taking the Cinnamon Toast mobile.”

“What’s the Cinnamon Toast Mobile?” I asked. “It’s about time you knew,” said John, “John Cena is just my secret identity. I am really … Cinnamon Toast Man!”.

“What are your powers?” I asked curiously.

“Er, I don’t really have any,” explained John.

Then, we finally got on the highway. When, we were on the highway John said, “Not much traffic.”

I replied, “Everyone’s dead, remember John?”

“My name is Cinnamon Toast Man!

“Okay, Okay, just go faster!” After driving for a couple hours in John’s “Cinnamon Toast Mobile” (*Cough* 1985 Honda Civic *Cough*) we found the “Mega-Ultra-Super Amish people”.

When we found the Mega-Ultra-Super Amish, they were doing nothing. So, John and I introduced them to metal. By the end of the day we had an acoustic metal band named Spontaneous Exorcism. Though Amish don’t permit music in their society, when they realize it’s probably their last day to live they decided to do it. Eventually, we got the Amish people to join our side. We’re on amish-on, to stop the dragons!

I was surprised when I heard the dragons didn’t attack the Amish, but apparently, They’re so far out of the way that the dragons couldn’t find them. I was even more surprised that they had tanks (the tanks were wooden, and were powered by pedaling). So, we set off to stop ISIS.

We traveled out of the country because the Amish leave near a port. We took a boat and set sail. After a couple of days we saw land. I was very excited. About mid way through the trip we started fishing to provide food.

We decided to search the island to find allies to help fight the dragons or a secret hide-out. After searching the island for a while we found a very small tribe of people who looked like Native Americans. Apparently they had survived the dragon-apocalypse, I don’t how though. John tried to explain to them that we came in peace, but they started shooting their bows and arrows at us. They clearly weren’t allies.

When we realized we had a war we were terrified. At least, I was terrified. The enemy’s war cry was, “Smell Whale!!!” I don’t know if that meant something in their language or if they were just telling us to smell a whale.

Chapter 2

John Cena

Lars ended up dying in that war. By the way, this is John telling the story now. I wasn’t going to let ISIS, Trump, and The Northern Sentinelese (the people who killed Lars) destroy humanity. The dragons even made their own cracker called “Children” supposedly using real children. Their slogan is “The snack that smiles back: Children!”.

We ended up defeating the Northern Sentinelese, but many of our soldiers died. Only 50 other soldiers came back with me on the ship, but we felt pumped. When we were about halfway between the Northern Sentinel Islands and the US of Eh my evil twin Anec Nhoj joined our party. He tried to AA me, but I did a reversal AA knocking him out. Then I AA’d him off the boat.

When we reached the U.S.E we went straight to the Trump Towers. At the Trump Towers there was a dragon guarding the doors. He insisted that I beat him in a rap battle to p***.

So,I started;

“Your time is up my time is now,

You can’t see me,

My time is now,

It’s a franchise what we shining now,

You Can’t See Me My time is now!”

I kept going;

“In case forgot or fell off,

I’m still hot knock your shell off,

My money stack fat plus I can’t turn the swell off,

The franchise, Doin’ big Bid’ness,

I live this,

It’s automatic I win this.”

The dragon melted because my rap was so fire. We took the elevator up to the top floor. When we got there, we were met by a dragon.

That time I  started again;

“A soldier, and I stay under you fightin’

Plus I’m stormin’ on you chumps like I’m thunder and lightning,

Ain’t no way breakin’ me kid, I’m harder than nails

Plus I keep it on lock like I’m part of jail”

That dragon also melted. Then, it was time to battle Trump. I walked down the hall to an office … and stepped in.

Donald’s chair was turned around so I couldn’t see him. “Long time no see, Mr. Cena.” He said.

Then I said, “You don’t sound like Mr. Trump at all …”

“It’s about time you knew John…” Then while spinning his chair around he said, “I am really your arch enemy … ANEC NHOJ AKA !NAM TSAOT NOMANNIC”.

“But, But, … I defeated you earlier today!”

“You always forget John, I’m immortal!

Anec started the battle:

“Whether fightin’ or spittin’ my discipline is unforgiven

Got you backin’ up in a defensive position

An ***-kcikin’ anthem, heavyweight or bantam

Holdin’ camps for ransom, the microphone phantom

Teams hit the floor this the new fight joint

Like a broken needle kid you missin’ the point

We dominate your conference with offense, that’s no nonsense

My theme song hits, get you reinforcements

We strike quick with hard kicks, duckin’ night sticks

Bare-knuckled men through fight pits, beat you lifeless

Never survive this, you forgot like Alzheimers

Two-face rappers walk away with four shiners

The raw rhymer, turnin’ legends to old-timers

My incisors like a viper bitin’ through your one-liners

New DeadMan Inc., and we about to make you famous

Takin’ over Earth and still kickin’ in Uranus”

He was good. But he hadn’t seen me yet. I sang my whole theme song, not just parts of it like the previous 2 times.

“In case you forgot or fell off I’m still hot – knock your shell off

My money stack fat plus I can’t turn the swell off

The franchise, doin’ big bid’ness, I live this

It’s automatic I win this – oh you hear those horns, you finished

A soldier, and I stay under you fightin’

Plus I’m stormin’ on you chumps like I’m thunder and lightning

Ain’t no way you breakin’ me kid, I’m harder than nails

Plus I keep it on lock, like I’m part of the jail

I’m slaughtering stale, competition, I got the whole block wishing

they could run with my division but they gone fishing –

– with no bait, kid your boy hold weight

I got my soul straight, I brush your mouth like Colgate

In any weather I’m never better your boy’s so hot

you’ll never catch me in the next man’s sweater

If they hate, let ’em hate, I drop ya whole clan

Lay yo’ *** down for the three second tan

(Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh)

Yeah, uh

It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be

Five pounds of courage buddy, b*** tint pants with a gold T

Uh – it’s a war dance and victory step

A raw stance is a gift, when you insist it’s my rep

John Cena, Trademarc, you all are so-so

And talk about the bread you make but don’t know the recipe for dough though

Aimin’ guns in all your photos, that’s a no-no

When this pop, you’ll liplock, your big talk’s a blatant no-show

See what happens when the ice age melt

You see monetary status is not what matters, but it helps

I rock a timepiece by Benny if any

The same reason y’all could love me is the same reason y’all condemn me

A man’s measured by the way that he thinks

Not clothing lines, ice links, leather and minks

I spent 20 plus years seekin’ knowledge of self

So for now Marc Predka’s livin’ life for wealth”

I thought my rap was a bit better, but he didn’t seem phased at all. There was only one way to end it … A fight to the death!

Chapter 3

A fight to the death

The fight to the death started. We immediately grappled each other. He ended up shoving me out of the office. Then shoved him into a – suspicious – open elevator. We took the elevator to the roof floor. Once we got out of the elevator, I got Anec in a fireman’s hold. I was about to AA him off the side of the building, but then, I got a cramp. I wasn’t just a normal cramp, it was a … Gatorade cramp! Anec and I both fell off the side of the Trump Towers. I thought we were both going to die. But then I remembered Anec is immortal. He would live and I would die! But, then the MUSA (Mega-Ultra-Super Amish) stepped in.

When I was falling of the building the MUSA got a trampoline and put it under me. Luckily, I landed on the trampoline. Anec and I took the battle to the streets. I AA’d him and the he AA’d be back. The MUSA rolled in with one of their wooden tanks. They ran over Anec Nhoj! But he’s immortal so he survived. The only way we could beat him was with magic.

I jumped in to the MUSA’s tank and we rolled away. We took a boat and sailed to England. We docked in Southampton. We then took the tanks to London. It took about seven hours to do that. In London, we went to King’s Cross Station. From there, we went to platform 9 ¾. We rode the Hogwarts express all the way to Hogwarts. Of course, all wizards were unharmed from the DracoTrumpocalypse. We told Prof. McGonagall (Dumbledore is dead) that we needed her help. She told us to contact Harry Potter. So we did. We rode back to New York on Harry’s broom.

When we got to New York we found Anec almost immediately. Harry said, “Avada Kedavra” and Anec died.

The End!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *