Scene 1
A storage room/classroom. It is not neat. There is a pile of random items in the corner. The pile includes wood. ALAN is wearing red, JOHN is wearing blue, and BOB is wearing white. They’re standing in the room.
ALAN
It is no use! We’re locked in here. We might as well light a fire.
JOHN
That’s it! We can weld through the knob! We have five matches. Let’s make each one count.
ALAN gets on the ground with BOB. JOHN is looking through the pile.
ALAN
Get on the ground, Bob! We need to try to make a fire to help weld through the knob!
BOB and ALAN get on the ground.
ALAN
As soon as I light the match, start blowing on it to get the fire going.
ALAN lights the match. BOB blows out the match as soon as ALAN lights it.
ALAN
Go help someone else, Bob.
(Lights.)
We see time pass. We see JOHN and ALAN lift up BOB and use him as a battling ram to break down the door. It doesn’t work.
Scene 2
Fifteen to twenty minutes later.
JOHN puts hand on head. Everybody sits on the ground and focuses hard.
BOB
Maybe we could get a sign that says we’re stuck in here.
ALAN
That seems like a great idea, Bob! Wait a minute, we can’t go to the roof and get a sign that says we’re stuck in here. Bring the firewood here, Bob.
BOB drops wood on ALAN’S foot. ALAN looks angrily at BOB. ALAN hits BOB with his hat. ALAN lights a fire. JOHN turns around.
JOHN
We’re in luck! I found hangers we can use to weld our way out of here.
JOHN puts hangers on the ground.
JOHN
Bob, come here.
BOB stomps over hangers and comes to JOHN.
JOHN puts hand on head.
Scene 3
JOHN
Maybe we can use a table or chair leg to weld the lock on the door.
ALAN
Let’s get started.
BOB
What can I do?
ALAN
Sit down and be quiet.
BOB
Then what can I do?
ALAN
Sit down and be quiet.
BOB
But I want to do something!
ALAN
That’s what you’re doing! Sitting down and being quiet!
BOB
Are we having bad luck?
ALAN
Of course not.
Three bowling balls crash to the floor. Fire goes out. Thunder roars.
BOB
When will we have bad luck?
ALAN
I’d say about five hours ago when the two of us AND YOU got us locked in here.
JOHN relights the fire.
Scene 4
Forty-five minutes later. A lot of the firewood is burnt out. BOB puts a lot more wood on the fire. BOB takes a metal chair from the corner of the room.
BOB
We’re never going to get out. Let me just sit in this metal chair.
JOHN
YOU DID IT, BOB!
BOB
Did what?
ALAN
Found a metal chair. Let’s get it ready right away.
BOB and ALAN bring the chair to the fire.
JOHN
It’s no use! We won’t be able to use the chair to weld through the door.
BOB
We might never get out. We might starve to death or die of old age in here.
The fire goes out.
ALAN
We’re out of firewood!
ALAN
Bob, you got us into this mess.
BOB
John, you agreed with this. How could you let this happen?
JOHN
Alan, you drove us here! You should know that a lot of people get locked in here yearly.
ALAN
John, you got us into this mess!
JOHN
Bob, you agreed with this, how could you let this happen?
BOB chucks a chair at JOHN. It hits ALAN by mistake. ALAN looks at BOB, and BOB bangs the chair on his own head.
Scene 5
We see JOHN and ALAN arguing in silence. BOB sits in the corner, playing chess with a mannequin.
BOB
Mannequin, you checkmated me for the twenty third time!
(Time passes.)
Scene 6
BOB
Look, the person who lived here must be really tiny.
ALAN
How do you know, Bob?
BOB
There’s this tiny door here.
ALAN
BOB, THAT’S A DOG DOOR. WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE!
JOHN
Hold your horses! We need someone that is so skinny that they can fit through the door.
Everyone except BOB looks at BOB.
BOB
I don’t want to go through.
ALAN
Then we will need to make you.
BOB runs around in circles.
BOB runs into ALAN.
BOB runs the other way.
BOB bumps into JOHN.
ALAN
Put your head into the doggy door. NOW!
BOB puts head into doggy door.
Dog barks.
BOB pulls head out of door.
BOB
I had a friend named Petey Parker, and he was twice your size, and he fit through the doggy door.
ALAN
Well, how did he do that?
BOB
He cheated. Maybe we can get a police officer to knock down the door.
ALAN
We can’t knock down the door, and there is no police officer to knock down the door either.
JOHN
Maybe we can ram through the doggy door with the metal chair.
ALAN
Where is the chair, Bob?
BOB starts to move back.
ALAN
You didn’t forget it, did you?
Alan moves towards Bob.
BOB
No.
ALAN
Are you sure?
BOB trips over chair.
BOB
Yes.
Chair breaks.
ALAN
THE CHAIR!
BOB
I can fix this.
ALAN
HOW, BOB? HOW?
BOB
Look there.
BOB points his finger at closet.
ALAN looks at closet.
BOB goes through doggy door.
ALAN
What is so interesting, Bob?
ALAN looks to where BOB was.
ALAN
JOHN, BOB IS GONE. HELP ME FIND HIM!
JOHN and ALAN look through the room.
BOB comes into room licking ice cream.
BOB taps ALAN’s shoulder.
ALAN
Help me look for you, Bob.
ALAN realizes BOB is in front of him.
ALAN
BOB! JOHN, COME HERE. WE FOUND BOB.
JOHN runs over.
JOHN
BOB, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
BOB
It’s easy! I went through the doggy door.
ALAN
Can you get a crowbar?
BOB
Ok.
BOB goes through doggy door.
ALAN
DON’T GET ICE CREAM. COME IN. NOW.
BOB crashes through the door.
BOB gives the crowbar to ALAN.
ALAN
Bob, use the crowbar to unhinge the door which you broke through. NEVER MIND THAT. WE’RE SAVED! WE’RE SAVED!
JOHN
We’re saved! We’re saved!
ALAN
We’re saved!
JOHN
We’re saved!
Everybody runs out of the room. BOB comes back into the room, takes the mannequin, and leaves.
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2
BOB, ALAN, and JOHN sit in a kitchen.
ALAN
We just got this job, and we do not want anybody messing up.
ALAN and JOHN look at BOB.
ALAN
Let’s get started. Bob, you make the drinks, John makes the dessert, and I will make the dinner.
BOB goes to the counter top. JOHN and ALAN go to the fridge. BOB opens a drawer and pulls out a bag of baking soda and pours it into five glasses. ALAN looks at the glasses that BOB filled.
ALAN
Bob, pour water in. That’s too powdery.
ALAN looks back into the fridge. BOB pulls a bottle labeled ‘vinegar’ and pours it in the glasses. The glasses foam up. Foam gets all over the floor. JOHN turns around and sees the foam on the floor. JOHN puts hand on head. ALAN turns around.
ALAN
CLEAN THIS UP.
BOB tries to sweep with the the broom upside down.
ALAN
YOU’RE SWEEPING WITH THE BROOM UPSIDE DOWN, BOB.
ALAN
Never mind that. Make the drinks.
ALAN pulls chicken out of the fridge. ALAN slips on the foam and falls on the floor.
BOB
Are you okay?
ALAN
I will be fine… after we finally get another job.
JOHN
JUST GET BACK TO WORK NOW.
Everybody gets back to work. JOHN starts working on drinks. JOHN pours jello mix into pitcher. JOHN pours wine into pitcher. JOHN pours gasoline into pitcher. JOHN turns around and accidentally drops match into pitcher. Radio turns on. Radio starts playing rock and roll. JOHN starts dancing with pitcher in his hand. Pitcher catches on fire. JOHN throws pitcher out the window. JOHN continues dancing. JOHN falls into the sink.
ALAN
ARE YOU TAKING A BATH?
JOHN
Yes.
ALAN and BOB stop what they’re doing and go into the sink. Everyone starts taking a bath.
Scene 2
JOHN is eating donuts.
JOHN
Mmm… these donuts are good.
BOB
Can I have some?
ALAN
They’re small, so you can have two.
ALAN takes two donuts from box and shoves them into BOB’S ears.
BOB
Oh great, you got donuts in my ears!
JOHN
Look. there’s a donut remover.
JOHN points to sign that says, ‘do not remove.’ BOB pulls out sign that says, ‘do not remove.’ Cabinets fall. Lights go out.
ALAN
You idiot, you…
(Lights match.)
Scene 3
Everyone is working. BOB accidentally bumps into radio. Radio breaks.
ALAN
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
BOB slowly backs away and trips over brick. Head goes into wall.
ALAN
JOHN, STOP WAITING AROUND. GET HIM OUT OF THE WALL.
JOHN gets sledge hammer. JOHN makes holes in the walls. BOB gets out of wall. BOB lights match and gets back to work. BOB trips over brick and drops match into hole.
BOB
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
ALAN grabs hose and fires it into the hole. Fire goes out.
ALAN
THAT’S IT. I’VE HAD IT. I’M DONE.
ALAN stomps out of the room.
BOB
What happened?
JOHN
He left… let’s get back to work.
BOB gets back to work. BOB lifts up a bowl. BOB finds ALAN’S hat.
BOB
I miss Alan.
JOHN
C’mon, it’s not that bad.
BOB
Well, at least we still have donuts.
JOHN
Don’t forget the Do-Nut-Remover.
BOB
And electricity.
BOB turns around, knocking down the donut box and the do not remove sign. Electricity goes out.
JOHN
I can fix this. I only need to get out of the window.
JOHN jumps out of the window. Lights go back on.
JOHN
Help me get back in.
BOB
Okay.
BOB leans into the window. BOB falls out of the window.
BOB
AHHHHHHH.
ALAN comes back inside the room.
ALAN
I’m sorry, fellas.
ALAN looks through the window, seeing BOB out of the room.
ALAN
I will help you, Bob.
Scene 4
Thirty minutes pass. Everyone is sitting on the floor.
ALAN
A few minutes after I left, I realized that I was nothing without you. I realized I had to open up to you.
JOHN
We need a new job.
BOB
We could be playing around with ships and planes.
JOHN
That’s it! We could join the army.
ALAN
That’s an excellent idea.
BOB
Right face!
(Everyone turns right.)
BOB
Forward march!
(Everyone marches out of the room)
The End