Fine, fine. But I don’t have a lot of time. Well, anyway, here it is: my life story. Oh, and don’t expect me to include all the sappy details. Can’t believe I’m doing this. Sigh! Well, here it is: WARREN’S WELFARE! Yeah, yeah, it sounds epic, but don’t set the bar too high. Just sayin’.

It all started when I was born. My parents being the king and queen of the Utopians, I was automatically the prince. Also, I was naturally my parents’ prized possession (and that’s saying a lot.) Well, anyway, being the prince, everybody had high expectations of me. The bar was so high, that my chubby, little, baby hands could barely reach it. And soon, the bar slipped out of my grasp, and I began my slow descent. My parents were disappointed. They expected more from me. Also, they felt as if I (that’s right, I) was giving them a bad reputation (and again, that’s saying a lot.) While all the nobles looked majestic in their fancy clothes, I looked like a slob in stained T-shirts and khakis.

Right when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the war started. First, we ran out of fresh water while our nemesis city, Dystopia, thrived and had extra fresh water. (I wonder how that happened.) Then, we hit them back. We took all their fishing supplies. I know, I know, that might not sound so bad. But when you live on an island in the middle of an ocean, fishing is pretty much your only way to get food.

Now that we had both struck, we went into all out war. There were many casualties, including (collective gasp) my parents. But there were also great casualties for the Dystopians. The casualties were so great, that they surrendered and went into hiding. I felt like I only had one choice: to kill everyone that was responsible for my parents’ death.  

First, I had to acquire the Zyzerath blade. It was my only hope if I wanted to get revenge. I heard of a wizard who lived in Dystopia, and that she was also a Utopian. The reason I needed to find the Zyzerath blade was because it was the only blade strong enough to break through the five-foot thick metal surrounding the Dystopian society (otherwise, I would just nuke it, but meh.) Then, once I had the Zyzerath blade, I’d cut a small hole in the back of the fortress. After that, I would have to find the Utopian wizard who was feeding us information. Finally, the wizard and I would kill them all.

Let’s go back to reality for a second. Right now, the only thing I knew was where the Zyzerath blade was located. Drum roll please! The cavern of despair. Kazaa! Poof! Magic dust! Okay, well, let’s cut the drama now.

I began my journey by looking for wisdom on the island of 1000 souls. Even in the noon-day sun, it was still dark and gloomy. That’s kind of a bummer, but meh. On the bright side, giving people advice gives them a purpose in life. I was pretty much covered. I still remember my first step on the island. The temperature must have dropped 30 degrees. I could feel the life trying to escape out of me to join its companions.

You would not believe what happened. Well, I guess they have to rename the island “the Island of 1002 Souls,” because apparently, my mom and dad qualify to be one of the oh-so super important souls that get to spend the rest of their days in mindless despair. So great, I know. As I was walking through the paved, bone roads, that’s when I saw them.

I looked into their eyes, and they said to me, “You are a disgrace! How could you let this happen?”

I was too shocked for words, so they just carried on.

“Let me guess, you’re looking for Zyzerath blade so you can get revenge for us.”

My mouth gaped open. I started to say, “How di–”

My mom said, “Well there’s something I gotta tell ya about the Dystopians. We are the Dystopians, and they are the Utopians. I know, right. Gasp. We are just as bad as they are.”

With that, they walked away, with me still trying to process everything they told me. Then, I noticed a glimmering, metal object peeking through the dead grass. When I picked it up, I instantly knew what it was. THE ZYZERATH BLADE! Well, I guessed all I needed to do is break in and see if they were good. Luckily, it wasn’t that far from our island to theirs, so I just rowed over there in a canoe.

Once I got to the dome, I quickly sliced away some of the metal, so I could have a peephole. As I did, the sword felt one with my hand, and I could feel its voice entering my mind. The legends were true! The sword really could talk to you!

“Ay! What’s up my homie? Thanks for waking me from my deep slumber.”

“Good.”

Once that was all cleared up, I put my eye right next to the little hole. I almost jumped back and fell off the island when I saw that a little eye was staring back at me. Then, the alarm sounded. I quickly tried to jump back and run away, but then they were on me. They knocked me out, and next thing I knew, I was in their prison cell.

“No, no, no, no!!! How could this have happened?!”

“Shhh! Do you want them to come back?”

“Er, no.”

“Good”

“What is your name?”

“Mine’s Samantha, what’s yours?”

“My name is Warren. So, what did you do to get here?”

“Long story short, I worked for the Utopians, they found out, and yeah, I’m here. ”

“Where are you?”

“Er, are you blind? I’m literally right next to you.”

Warren turned his head to his left. Nothing. Then, he turned to the right. Two large eyes stared right back at him. He jumped and stumbled backwards. But then, he noticed something peculiar. She was floating in the air and had a ball of fire in her lap. Warren gasped. He just realized who he just met. This was the wizard. The myth. The legend. Samantha Odd.

“O-M-G, it’s you, Samantha Odd!!!”

“Yes, Warren, I’ve been waiting for you a long, long time!!!”