Hi, I’m Tommy the racoon!

I hope that you will put some food out for me or even just do simple things like leaving your trash can open to give me food. If you do so, I will also bring food for my mom and dad and my 5 pesky sisters. 

But last night at 8, I went out looking for food, and when I was trying to recover some almost ripe and delicious tomatoes I saw a shadow behind me. It was big and shaped like my worst fear. They’re very ugly (compared to this handsome dude) and they’re very complicated. They leave food out for me in these things that are apparently called bird feeders instead of what they should be called—raccoon feeders, but then they’re mad because I eat the stuff inside them. Humans are one head-scratching creature.  

Enough about humans. I scrambled to the bush. 

“Dan, did you eat the heirloom tomatoes from the garden? It’s not funny. I need them for the caprese salad.”

The woman had hair that looked like noodles and eyes that were the color of the sky. The man shook his head. “I don’t want your tommy toes until you add dressing. Why don’t you ask the  neighbors to see if anyone else is experiencing tomato theft.”

“Fine,’’ replied the wife.

To my relief, the woman went inside, but the man just sat there and smoked. Unfortunately the silence didn’t last. Three minutes later the woman came back outside. “Apparently the neighbors have the same problem with their tomatoes.” The woman was talking like she just made a special scientific discovery. Humans are also definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I mean, duh, Sherlock if one’s gone they’ll miss other tomatoes too. I kept listening to their conversation but after a while they went inside. When they were out of sight, I ran to the tomato patch and picked the last tomato which they didn’t see. Another thing about humans, they have bad eyesight. ALL OF THEM. The tomato was one measly yard away and they couldn’t see it. It was now reddish green and hard to miss. I plucked the tomato and ran back home. 

“Where in the world have you been Tommy?” Asked my mother.

 “Out getting breakfast,” said my older sister Olympia. I didn’t answer, I just slowly trudged up the tree past the waking owl and thought about what was happening. I was now afraid that I would get caught. I was not going near those people again and I would warn my family later too.

After some thinking, I decided to take another walk around the neighborhood.  As I was walking around the neighborhood, I stopped at the spot where I always get my food. I heard the woman say “those dumb squirrels”

I looked at my delicious enemy who was trying to get to a bird feeder, even though  to a nearsighted human it looked like it was going at the tomatoes . I thought this whole thing was hilarious and Nutty the squirrel was barely getting away! “What are you laughing at?” Nutty snarled. “ Watch your elders,’’ I said. Nutty dodged the lady and ran.

On Saturday night, I was out hunting for food with my family when a huge truck showed up in front of us. It had the word “exterminator” on it in bright neon orange. I turned and ran, leaving the rest of my family running in different directions. I now live without them in a place that is called NYC which provides a lot of food.

That is the story of how I moved to NYC with no notice whatsoever.