Act One, Scene 1

Setting

In a jail cell. At rise, DEVIL & HOT are sleeping on bunk beds in cell center stage, DEVIL on the top bunk. There’s a tiny sink and a little toilet. There are jail-bar lighting effects on the stage. The cell has tan-colored walls.

DEVIL

Zzzz…

HOT wakes up. HOT looks at DEVIL. DEVIL wakes up.

DEVIL

Where am I ?

HOT  

You’re in a jail cell, and my name is Hot.

GUARD 1 enters on left and walks to the cell. GUARD 2 runs after GUARD 1

GUARD 2

Wait, wait master! It is lunch time. We must take them to lunch.

GUARD 1

They can wait.

GUARD 1 & GUARD 2 stop in front of cell, center stage.

DEVIL  

(shouting) Hey! You! Stupid guard! Why am I here?

GUARD  1

Don’t yell at me! You’re here because you robbed a bank!

HOT is sitting on the bed listening. GUARD 2 is trying to look scary and brave, but he’s not doing a good job at it.

GUARD 2  

(acting tough, to DEVIL) You better behave in here.

DEVIL takes a step forward and GUARD 2 gets scared, and he runs away downstage left. GUARD 1 makes an exasperated face in response to GUARD 2, then exits downstage right.

HOT

I have a plan.

DEVIL  

A plan for what?

HOT  

A plan to break out of jail and rob a bank. Trust me, I’ve done this a thousand times. It will be fine… We won’t get in  trouble.

DEVIL

Fine, I’ll do it .

HOT whispers the plan  in DEVIL’s ear.

Curtain.

Act One, Scene 2

Setting

The same jail cell, but the light is lower to indicate that it’s nighttime. HOT and DEVIL are digging a tunnel in the floor of the cell (in a trap-door) with spoons at rise. The tunnel is big enough for them to disappear beneath stage level.  They are digging.

HOT

It’s going to be great when we break out of jail I can’t wait to-

DEVIL

(yelling) Ssssshhh, if you keep talking, a guard is going to come!!!

HOT

No they won’t don’t worry you always wor-

GUARD 1 comes downstage right  and walks to cell.

GUARD 1      

(yelling) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ALERT ALERT, PRISONERS ESCAPING!

DEVIL and HOT both jump in the hole and start shoveling faster, trying to get away.

GUARD 1 rushes to the side of the cell and presses a button (the audience can’t see it). A siren and a red flashing light come on. GUARD 2 runs in.  He’s a little disoriented and wearing pink bunny pajamas.

GUARD 2

What, what, what happened?

GUARD 1

Unlock the door and go after them!

GUARD 2 shakes his head and hands his keys to GUARD 1, trembling with fear. GUARD 1 grabs the keys, unlocks the door, grabs GUARD 2 by the scruff of the neck, and throws him down the hole, then jumps in after him.

Curtain.

Act One, Scene 3

Setting  

Stage is divided in half. Stage left is a courtroom. POLICEMEN 1-4 are there. JUDGE is there, and GUARD 2 is there, still in his pajamas. DEVIL and HOT are there, handcuffed. Stage right is outside the courthouse. There are old-fashioned lamp posts, a shrub, and a parked cop car (it can be a cardboard cutout).

There’s a murmur of commotion at rise. JUDGE bangs her gavel.

JUDGE

Order! Order!

The room gets quiet.

JUDGE

(sounding official) I hereby announce that Devil and Hot have twenty more years of jail! Extra security is needed for these prisoners! We need a police-detail on their cell until we find a more secure facility.

JUDGE bangs her gavel. POLICEMEN take HOT and DEVIL outside (stage right) to go to the cop car so that the cop car can take HOT and DEVIL back to jail.

HOT  

NOW!

HOT and DEVIL take off running from the cops, but they forgot that they were handcuffed together. HOT went to the left side of a lamp-post, and DEVIL went to the right side.The chain of the cuffs wrapped around the post, and so did HOT and DEVIL and they smack heads.

COPs and GUARDs  

Hahaha

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 4

Stage split in half. Stage right is the half for the jail indicated by a sign upstage right that reads “County Jail  Visiting Hours 11 – 3, M-F” and a barred window. Center stage is the road, indicated by a jumble of road signs. Stage left is the Courthouse parking lot. Sign upstage left reads “Courthouse parking only.” At rise, GUARDs 1 and 2 are stage right, GUARD 2 is eating a banana next to a giant pile of banana peels.

COP 3

(To other cops) Come on! Let’s get them in the car.

COP 2 and COP 4 pick up HOT and DEVIL and put them in the car. COP 1, 2, 3, and 4 get in the car. COP 1 drives the cardboard cutout of a cop car to the jail, walking in intricate circles and figure-8s around the road signs. They pull up next to the jail.

GUARD 1 and 2 are waiting for them.

COP 1 gets out of the car.

GUARD 2  

Hey, cop! Guess what! I’m trying to set the world record for eating the most bananas!

COP 1

We don’t care.

COP 2 opens the back door for HOT and DEVIL.

DEVIL

NOW!

HOT and DEVIL take off running but GUARD 2 has already started breaking the banana-eating record and HOT and DEVIL slip on his banana peels.

GUARD 2

NNNNOOOO all of my hard work, gone!!!

GUARD 1 rolls his eyes, sighs, and brings HOT and DEVIL to a cell.

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 5

HOT and DEVIL are sitting on bed.

DEVIL notices a bandaid on HOT’s elbow. He grabs HOT’s arm to look at it, then holds it up to the wall.

HOT

Hey, what are you doing with my arm?

DEVIL

Don’t you see? These bandaids are the same color as the wall! We could use them as camouflage!!!

HOT

Then we can ask for a box of bandaids and cover ourselves in them. Then, they will think that we’re not here, and they’ll open the door to our cell, and we can run out!

DEVIL

Brilliant! It will be a piece of cake, just like this one I got from the cafeteria.

DEVIL holds up a piece of cake.

HOT  

Okay, but we have to ask that weird guard that doesn’t know anything.

Beat.

Here he comes now!

HOT and DEVIL stand up and GUARD 2 walks in from the left  and to the cell. GUARD 2 is on a cell phone.

GUARD 2

(into phone) Yes, dear, yes, I promise I won’t forget our anniversary dinner tonight.

Beat.

Yes, dear, I won’t forget again. Goodbye.

(Hangs up)

DEVIL

Hey, weirdo! Give us a box of bandaids!

GUARD2

O-okay

GUARD 2 reaches in his pocket and pulled out a box of bandaids.

HOT and DEVIL reach for the box at the same time GUARD 2 gets scared and drops the box, then he  runs off stage right. HOT reaches down and grabs the box and opens it.

DEVIL  

Let’s only do the front of us because we don’t have enough.

DEVIL and HOT reach into the box and start covering themselves with Band-aids. (see Appendix, Fig.1)

Lights fade out. DEVIL and HOT have been wearing orange jumpsuits over Band-aid costumes. They take off the top layer to reveal costumes made to look like they’ve covered themselves in Band-aids- back-side orange jumpsuit. Slip on sleeves (made of pantyhose) that have been painted to look like Band-aids covering the front of their arms and faces. Lights fade back up. They give each other an approving nod. They stand flat against the cell wall, blending in.

HOT

(leaning forward, feigning the GUARD’s voice) Prisoners escaped! Prisoners escaped! All guards to the cell block! (leans back against the wall).

GUARD 1 rushes in from stage left, GUARD 2 rushes in from stage right. They look in the cell, which appears to be empty. GUARD 1 presses the button, and the siren and lights start again. All the while, HOT and DEVIL are very still against the wall. COPS 1, 2, and 3 enter from stage left.

GUARD 1

(To COPS, looking at COPS) I thought there was supposed to be extra police-detail security! Where were you? You were supposed to be watching them!!!

COP 2

Sorry, sorry, we won’t let this happen again.

COP 3 opens the door to take a look and HOT and DEVIL run out, but they don’t get far. When they run away, you can see that their backsides are orange-jumpsuits even though they’re band-aid colored in the front. They’re running towards stage right.

DEVIL and HOT are almost off stage when GUARD 2’s WIFE enters right in their path, stage right.

GUARD 2’s WIFE

(Yelling) Why did you forget our anniversary again!?! This is it!

DEVIL and HOT slam right into her and fall down. GUARD 2’s wife faints. COPS handcuff DEVIL and HOT together. GUARD 2 gets scared of what his wife will do, so he runs away, stage left.

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 6

Back in the courtroom. GUARD 2 and his WIFE are there with the JUDGE, the four COPS and GUARD 1. The JUDGE is listing the reasons why GUARD 2 should go to jail.

JUDGE bangs her gavel.

JUDGE

(in an official voice) Order! Order! We are here to discuss what this guard has done and why he should be put in jail.

GUARD 2’s WIFE’s arms are crossed and so doesn’t look impressed.

JUDGE

He has robbed four banks. He has gone over the speed limit 2,000 times and has a fee of 9000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars!

GUARD 2

(shaking, worried) I  can explain! I only robbed the banks because I had to make it up to my wife for the fifty anniversary dinners I’ve forgotten. And the speeding tickets… you see, I failed the driver’s test five times when I was a teenager, and I just didn’t think I could ever get a job without a driver’s license, so one of my friends took it for me. So, I’m not really sure what “speed limit” means.

JUDGE

I hereby announce that this guard has fifty years of jail and should be put in the same jail cell as those weird devils.

GUARD2

But- But- But- please, I promise that I won’t do it again!!

JUDGE

No buts now… Off to jail!

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 7

Setting: Jail cell.

GUARD 2 is in the same cell as HOT and DEVIL. They are all sitting on the bottom bed, thinking.

GUARD 2

How will we get out of here? It’s impossible!

GUARD 2 puts his hands into his pocket and his face lights up as he stands up.

GUARD 2

Oh! I STILL HAVE THE KEY! And a gun!

DEVIL

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? OPEN THE DOOR!!!

GUARD 2 walks to the door and turns the key. The door swings open. An alarm goes off.

HOT

Come on or they will see us!

GUARD 2, HOT, and DEVIL run off right stage as soon as GUARD 1 comes running in from left stage.

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 8

Stage split in half. Bank on right stage and parking lot left stage both visible. HOT, DEVIL, and GUARD 2 are at the bank. There are five BANK TELLERS standing behind the counter on the far right side.

HOT

You better give us all your money, or I will blow up the whole bank with you inside it!

BANK TELLER 1

Never!!!

BANK TELLER 3

(in a tough voice) Why should we?

DEVIL takes out a gun from his orange jumpsuit.

DEVIL

If you don’t… I’ll shoot at you!

BANK TELLER 2

O– o– okay.

BANK TELLER 4 and 5 whisper to each other then BANK TELLER 5 goes on the phone with someone, while BANK TELLER 1, 2, and 3 give them the money. Just as HOT, DEVIL, and GUARD 2 turn to leave, they hear a siren. They run out of the bank and run off left stage.

Car enters from left stage license plate reads, “I DID IT”

Cop car pulls up next to the car with the siren on.

COP 1
Get out of that car now!!!

MAN

I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything wrong.

COP

Then why does your license plate say, “I DID IT” when there was just a robbery here!!!

MAN

I customized it! Get it? I DID IT myself!

COP

(in a little voice) Oh.

COP drives away right stage.

Curtain.

Act 1 scene 9

In an English mansion. Enter HOT, DEVIL wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts. GUARD 2 wearing bunny pajamas.

DEVIL  

Finally, we made it!

HOT  

So glad we can afford this mansion now!

GUARD 2  

And these stylish clothes!

GUARD 2’s WIFE, GUARD 1, COP 1, 2, 3, and 4  and the MAN in the car come on left stage. JUDGE and BANK TELLERS 1 – 5 enter from right stage. ALL bow at the same time.